What to do with the Cubs

Instead of trying to analyze what has gone wrong with the Cubs this season, I think it is more cathartic to think of solutions in order to make the rest of the season more tolerable. For those of you who are Cubs fans, you're tolerance for sucking is much higher than other fans, but this season has exceeded our worst nightmares. We have seen the worst of the worst '97 and '06 teams, but with the expectations so high the '09 club has reached a new low. Unfortunately, all of my recommendations will go for naught because I am just a stupid fan who knows nothing about anything, especially baseball.

1) Maybe, just maybe we move Soriano out of the lead-off spot. Crazy, I know. Yes, Soriano was a terrific base-stealer in the past with 3 40-steals champaigns. Since joining the Cubs, he hasn't eclipsed 19 steals and this year only has 9 attempts. Still, taking the steals out of the equation, he doesnt profile as a lead-off guy. No walks, high homers, horrible defender at any position. Considering he is having a career worst season and just finished off a .590 OPS month, no better time than the present to stick him anywhere other than the leadoff spot. I prefer the 5 slot. If Ellsbury can move from the 1st to 7th spot in the lineup, than Soriano can deal with hitting 5th.

2) Bring up Ryne Sandberg to be the bench coach. He is a HOFer, he has intergrity, knows the game, and is a new voice to listen to.

3) Kill the following people. Mike FonteNOT, Kosuke Fukudome, David Patton, Aaron Miles, Ryan Freel.

4) Admit you're an idiot and rehire Gerald Perry. He knows these hitters better than anyone and is the only one who can help them this season, unless we have already given up on this season.

5) Admit that you fucked up and trade back for Mark Derosa. Oops, your main rival just traded for him. Oh well. He would have solved so many issues with the lineup and defense, but Milton Bradley is much worse, more expensive, and has a chemical imbalance in the head.

6) Hendry needs to get a twitter accound so fans can tell him whenever he has the worst idea ever. Example: How about I trade our most versatile player and the best clubhouse guy ever so we can throw lots of money at a guy who is always a. injured b. suspended c. grumpy d. moody e. disrespected but had a monster first half last season? Twitter replies: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

7) Make the lineup as such disregarding left/right splits.

1. Theriot
2. Bradley
3. Lee
4. Ramirez
5. Soriano
6. Soto
7. Scales
8. Fukudome

8) Where the fuck is Bobby Scales????

9) Secretly trade Fox and Hauffpauir to the AL for relief pitching. Maybe a Baez/Sherrill combo or a Wuertz/Ziegler combo or a mixture of both who can get someone out.

10) Go on vacation to Aruba and forget baseball exists? I think I'll do that.

While writing this post, Soto got thrown out trying to advance to 3rd on a single to LEFT field, and the Cubs failed to score despite 2nd and 3rd with nobody out. Fuck the runs expectancy chart.