Box Score Tonight: Week Fifteen/Early Games Edition

OK, so there are a lot of early games today. I mean like a lot. I mean like 10 freaking games. Like 20 teams to talk about. I have only predicted 3 games correct so far. And I actually watched football today. Ah, it feels so great to be home. Anyways, so I think I'm just going to point out some key notables and talk about the things I saw today. We'll begin just as soon as I run back a punt return to win the game.

- The Eagles defeat the G-Men in The Meadowlands 38-31. This was one of the games I watched. Amazing end of the game.
- Even though I picked the Giants in Pigskin Pick 'Em I was rooting for the Eagles. If the Giants and Bears end up with the same record, the Giants will warrant the first round bye. But if it's between the Eagles and Bears, Chicago gets the bye
- Michael Vick started out looking awful but after the 60 minutes ran up I would have no problem giving him the MVP. He ended up on the day with three passing touchdowns, one rushing, an interception, and a 97.6 passer rating. But what really warranted his MVP was that he looked like classic Vick on the ground: 130 yards on 10 carries. Many of those runs coming late.
- While it was DeSean Jackson's game ending punt return, it was all Maclin receiving: 7 for 11, 59 yards and 2 TDs. Celek has a 65 yards TD pass.
- Eli Manning doesn't play like shit at home: 4 TDs to 1 INT with a 105.6 passer rating. Two of those TDs go to Mario Manningham (8 for 13 with 112 yards), one to Hakeem Nicks, and one to Kevin Boss.
- Ahmad Bradhaw gets 19 carries. Jacobs gets 12. Both are decently ineffective on the ground.
- Washington Redskins lose to the Dallas Cowboys 33-30.
- This game was Rex Grossman vs. Jon Kitna. What is this, 2006?
-Sexy Rexy Grossman doesn't appear to be awful with his 93.4 passer rating. I think we all remember Grossman's bad games but forget that he had a lot of good games as well. A lot. Seriously, I swear, look it up. Sure Grossman had 2 picks but also 4 TDs and looked better than the corpse of Donovan McNabb.
- I put Santana Moss in my top ten in my rankings. Even with the knowledge that Rex Grossman might start (stupid TNF and rankings deadline). He rewards me with 2 TD passes. Anthony Armstrong leads all Redskins with 100 yards on 5 receptions (6 catches).
- Chris Cooley proves why he's a top 3 NFC TE (by default?). He gets a TD reception so kudos.
- Ryan Torrain gets 11 carries for 53 yards and 5 catches for 48 yards and a passing TD. Keiland Williams gets one carry. Santana Moss gets two. Sexy Rexy gets one.
- Felix Jones gets 12 carries (5.8 YPC). Tashard Choice gets 15 (3.5 YPC) but gets the rushing TD.
- Kitna has another nice game with no picks, 2 TDs, and a 110.8 passer rating.
- Going along with an apparent theme of tight ends having good fantasy games: Jason Witten gets 140 yards and a TD on 10 receptions. Miles Austin gets Kitna's other TD.
- The Jacksonville Jaguars show why the deserve to go to the playoffs as they throw around shit like they're a stereotypical monkey as they lose to the Colts 24-34.
- Peyton Manning still looks off and does not look like his normal commercial front man self but still wins the game with his best Jon Kitna impression: 29 for 39, 2TDs, 0 INTs, and a 105.6 passer rating.
- The Colts develop a ground game. Whodathunkit? Donald Brown gets 129 rushing yards and a TD on 14 carries.
- Against one of the worst rushing defenses Maurice Jones-Drew gets 46 rushing yards and no TDs on 15 carries.
- Back up RB Rashard Jennings led all Jags in receiving yards (64) and catches (7). Like Rex Grossman, Mike Sims-Walker has one of his better games as he catches both of David Garrard's touchdown passes.
- The two loss Cincinnati Bengals defeat the Cleveland Browns, a team that defeated the New England Patriots, 19 to 17.
- Peyton Hillis does his best Mo Jo impression (59 yards on 14 carries) and Colt McCoy outperforms Carson Palmer (132.6 passer rating to 90.7). But Cedric Benson (150 yards, TD, on 31 carries, Holy Fucking Shit- 31 carries) is the difference in this game.
- The Tennessee Titans have a quarterback now and it shows as they finally get a win against the lonely Houston Texans 31-17.
- Andre Johnson does not punch Courtland Finnegan in this one (at least that's what my box score tells me) and catches 6 out of his 12 receptions for 58 yards with a TD. Kevin Walter has the better game though as he is more efficient (7 of 10) gets more yards (79) and catches Schaub's other receiving TD.
- Tight ends Owen Daniels and Joel Dressen both get four catches. Whatevs.
- Arian Foster and Chris Johnson each perform in this game like you would expect the other to perform. Foster gets 15 yards on 11 carries. Johnson gets 130 yards and a TD on 24 carries.
- Kenny Britt gets 128 yards on 6 receptions (9 targets). Nate Washington and Justin Gage (Oh! Just what BST has been missing all year, a Justin Gage spotting!) each catch a Collins TD pass. Randy Moss sits on the sideline throwing a hissy fit and counting his millions of dollars. He doesn't even get a target. He actually probably throw a hissy fit but have the longest press conference EVER where he again babbles in why he loves the New England Patriots.
- The Kansas City Patriots defeat the St. Louis Sam Bradfords 27-13
- Sam Bradford has an awful game: 0 TDs, 2 INTs, 40.9 passer rating. It's games like this that the Rams should have chosen Donkey Kong Suh. But they still made the right choice. Probably.
- Thomas Jones literally doubles Jamaal Charles' carries (22 to 11) yet, as should be expected, Charles dominates this game with his 126 yards, 11.5 YPC, and TD. TJ gets 2.8 yards per carry but also gets a rushing TD. I didn't watch this game but can someone tell me why Jones got so many carries compared to Charles? Seriously, I can't fathom a situation where Thomas Jones deserves more carries than Jamaal Charles. ANY. I don't care that Jones is on steroids and Charles just had both of his legs removed, Jamaal Charles still deserves more carries.
- Matt Cassel played like he just got his appendix removes or something. 15 out of 29, 1 TD, 1 INT, 68.8 passer rating. At least Dwayne Bowe was fantasy relevant this week: 2 catches (6 receptions) for 53 yards.
- LOWERED EXPECTATIONS! My Lions friends are the happiest I have ever seen them because they can't even remember when they won two games in a row and won on the road. They defeat the Tampa Bay Bucs 23-20. Wow, the Lions didn't blow a game late in teh 4th or in overtime? Good job guys. Finally.
- Calvin Johnson, Mike Williams, LaGarrette Blount, and Josh Freeman all perform like you would expect them too. Very well (Except Freeman doesn't win this game on the last drive like he did in the middle of the season). Maurice Morris pisses the every loving shit out of me by sitting on my bench. He gets 15 carries, 109 yards, and a TD. Jahvis Best gets 6 carries.
- After a huge Week Fourteen, Illini alum Regis Benn only gets 4 targets. He catches three of them for 34 yards.
- Drew Stanton had a 91.3 passer rating and has won his past two games. I never understood why the Lions would throw out Shaun Hill because they thought "Hill gave the Lions the best chance to win" as opposed to seeing what they have in their young quarterback. Plus, let's be honest Detroit, you're the Lions, knocking out the starter with a concussion gives you the best chance to win.
- The Arizona Cardinals are so bad that the one win Carolina Panthers defeat them.
- John Skelton may be bad but at least he's able to get the ball out to one of the best wide receivers in the game. Larry Fitzgerald gets 10 targets, 9 receptions, and 125 yards.
- These teams are so bad that nothing is worth mentioning about this game. I don't care what you did Jonathan Stewart! I started you instead of Ray Rice and you did not perform like Ray Rice! Like what Cee Lo Green says on the radio, "Eff You!"
- Speaking of Ray Rice, the Baltimore Ravens defeat the New Orleans Saints 30-24.
- Ray Rice goes off like I expected him to do all freaking season. 31 carries, 153 rushing yards, rushing TD, 5 receptions, 80 receiving yards, and a receiving TD.
- Pierre Thomas got 20 yards off of 6 carries. Reggie Bush gets 11 yards off of 4 carries. Yay healthy running backs! This is what the experts said you needed all year!
- To replace Todd Heap, Ed Dickson catches both of his targets and gets 33 yards and a TD.
- After kinda sorta liking the Buffalo Bills this season I predicted the Miami Dolphins to defeat them. The Bills win 17-14.
- I'm sure The 'Bright' One loved the fact that Fred Jackson got 36 yards on 15 carries. The best player ever (words uttered after Week 4 of the preseason) C.J. Spiller gets 16 yards off of 9 carries.
- Brandon Marshall and Ray Rice were guys I loved in the preseason. And like Rice today, Marshall FINALLY has a great game. I'm sure all Marshall fantasy owners in 8th place in their consolation games are thrilled. Marshall catches 11 out of his 12 targets, 106 yards, and a receiving TD.
- Ronnie Brown gets a rushing TD. Wow, Brown is still healthy this season? Good for him. If I was a Dolphins fan I would prefer half a season of awesome Ronnie Brown than a full season of really bad Ronnie Brown.

Now let's play count the grammatical and spelling errors! And we... aRE... OUT!