FJM: Mike Lombardi On The B.S. Report

Mike Lombardi is an analyst for NFL.com and a friend of Bill Simmons and thus a frequent guest on The B.S. Report. I don't understand how Bill Simmons can be friends with both the founder and creator of Football Outsiders (the leading pioneer in advanced NFL statistics) Aaron Schatz and truly believe what FO says and also listen to the advice of Lombardi. Mike Lomardi is the most vanilla, cliche analysis out there and is just one step above Trent Dilfer who doesn't even believe in statistics. Sidenote: why is it the worst QB ever to win a Superbowl is the guy who doesn't believe in stats?

Anyways, I'm like a week or two behind on my B.S. Report's and I was recently listening to a podcast where Simmons and Lombardi were talking about the Bears/Jets game. Now since this game already happened before I started listening to the podcast, I was very upset at what I was listening to. Let me share some excerpts from the podcast with you.

Mind you, the Bears won this game 38-34

Mike Lombardi: I don't see how the Jets lose this game.

Are you now blind Mike Lombardi? Seriously though, the Bears are a good team, they were fighting for home field advantage throughout the playoffs and this game was being played IN Chicago, yet there was NO WAY you could see the Bears lose!? What!

This is a bad match up for the Bears because the Bears can't really block all this pressure stuff

What is "pressure stuff"? What are you, the new marketing director for Oreos? Kids, come out and try our new Pressure Stuffed Oreos!

and the more pressure stuff the more Jay Cutler will turn the ball over

He ain't the best analyst in the biz for nothing folks. Bringing you top quality analysis like, "the more pressure a defense gets on a quarterback, the harder it is for the quarterback to be effective". Thank you Mike Lombardi for graduating from elementary school and watching the NFL for at least one full season. By the way, way to not actually watch Jay Cutler since Chicago's bye and realize he's not the turnover machine he was last year. Cutler only had one turnover this game.

not that I think the Bears can't play good defense

What!? The team that has the 3rd best scoring defense coming into this game has the possibility of playing good defense? Again, top notch stuff Lombardi, top notch. And just to pile more shit on Lombardi, the Bears played horrific defense this game.

I mean the Bears have to try and win this game in the teens, 16-13, but I think the Bears offense will make a mistake.

Yep, a real low scoring game. A real doozy of a tilt we had goin' on up in herrr. Also, more nonsense, cliche dribble like the Bears are automatically going to turn it over.

The Bears don't have anything they can hang their hat on, they don't have a great running game

"Honey I'm home"
"Lovely Matt, what did you do today?"
"Well, I just ran for 113 yards on 19 carries which is good for a 5.9 yards per carry. Plus, I had a great rushing touchdown run"
"Oh, that's just lovely dear, can I take your hat? I think we just found a new resting place for it"

and the more they throw the less, more opportunity they have to pass.

ENGLISH MOTHAFUCKA! Do you speak it?

I think the Jets can go in there, they're good on the road, they kind of have a mutter type mentality

What does "mutter" mean? I can make up words and intangibles too! "The Bears have a strongforce, grittering type of style that is the reason they win games."

and I think they can play enough defense against a bad offense. They usually shut down bad offenses and I'm not sure the Bears have a great offense.

Yeah, keep shitting on this offense some more and they'll go laugh when the scoreboard reads that they have more points than their opponent.

Bill Simmons: The Bears are not a team that is equipped to drop 35 points

With the exception of this game where the Bears put up 38 points. Oh and the game before where they put up 40.

M.L.: And they're not going to be able to handle all the pressure stuff, the overloads.

Quick! Somebody call the Manning brothers and get this man a cookie stat! He's hungry!

Not that Mike Martz won't know how to block it but Mike Martz will have a hard time getting it done because they can't block, the right tackle's a liability, the left guard's a liability, those are problems.

Because it's not like Mike Martz isn't an above average offensive coordinator or anything and it's not like he (a) doesn't make adjustments during games and (b) hasn't been making adjustments during games all season long.

You commonplace dumb piece of shit Mike Lombardi. You can't keep spitting out platitudes and then wonder why you keep wiping egg off of your face every week. But I thank your stupidity for giving me a chance to laugh at you. And you were SOOOOOO confident the Jets were going to win this game too.