The 2011 DUI All-Stars

The following, as if he read my mine, comes courtesy of a friend named "Happy."

These players might not hit over .240, but they shouldn't have a problem hitting .240 on a breathalyzer. Ladies & Gentlemen, your 2011 DUI ALL-STARS (a * indicates that the player received a DUI in 2011):

1. Coco Crisp* (OF, projected BAC of .210): Stellar defense led prosecution to drop all charges.
2. Edgar Sangeria (SS, .200): post-game celebrations with Dusty Baker could lead to trouble
3. Miguel Cabrera* (1B, .240): perennial contender for the Triple Crown Royal
4. Shin-Soo Choo* (OF, .200): what else is there to do in the post-LeBron wasteland?
   
5. Austin Kearns* (OF, .215)
   
6. Ryan Doumit (C): recently apprehended for operating a flying saucer while using a cellular phone.
   
7. Adam Kennedy* (2b, .110): Regrettably, he realized that plowing through pitchers of MGD wasn't the same as plowing through major league pitchers.
8. Brandon Inge (3B, .250): Take the 'randon' out of "Brandon Inge drinking"
9. Derek Lowe* (SP, .195

Bench: Elijah Dukes (OF, projected BAC of .230): went from batting fifth to pleading the fifth; high slugging percentage didn't transfer from the bedroom to the field. Was also caught stealing second base from Dick's sporting goods.

The team, of course, is managed by Tony "don't you know who I am" LaRussa.