The 2011 DUI All-Stars

The following, as if he read my mine, comes courtesy of a friend named "Happy."

These players might not hit over .240, but they shouldn't have a problem hitting .240 on a breathalyzer. Ladies & Gentlemen, your 2011 DUI ALL-STARS (a * indicates that the player received a DUI in 2011):

1. Coco Crisp* (OF, projected BAC of .210): Stellar defense led prosecution to drop all charges.
2. Edgar Sangeria (SS, .200): post-game celebrations with Dusty Baker could lead to trouble
3. Miguel Cabrera* (1B, .240): perennial contender for the Triple Crown Royal
4. Shin-Soo Choo* (OF, .200): what else is there to do in the post-LeBron wasteland?
   
5. Austin Kearns* (OF, .215)
   
6. Ryan Doumit (C): recently apprehended for operating a flying saucer while using a cellular phone.
   
7. Adam Kennedy* (2b, .110): Regrettably, he realized that plowing through pitchers of MGD wasn't the same as plowing through major league pitchers.
8. Brandon Inge (3B, .250): Take the 'randon' out of "Brandon Inge drinking"
9. Derek Lowe* (SP, .195

Bench: Elijah Dukes (OF, projected BAC of .230): went from batting fifth to pleading the fifth; high slugging percentage didn't transfer from the bedroom to the field. Was also caught stealing second base from Dick's sporting goods.

The team, of course, is managed by Tony "don't you know who I am" LaRussa.

Canadians Can't Hold Their Liquor

Blue Jays fans were denied the elixir of baseball versus the Tigers during last night's game (in addition to two other baseball games later in the season) due to

"...permitting drunkenness, permitting the use of narcotics, selling and serving to apparent minors, failure to request approved identification and permitting illegal liquor on the premises."

Apparently, the Blue Jays had their liquor license temporarily suspended for allowing a routine pattern of unruly, illegal and inappropriate behavior to occur at Roger Centre over the past few years. Highlighted is an incident last season, "after fans brawled in the stands, leading to almost 100 ejections" and a delayed season opener due to "unruly fans" who littered the field with "baseballs and debris."

No worries, however, drunken Blue Jays fans. According to the people in charge,

Fans who want to exchange their tickets for the affected dates will be allowed to, subject to availability.