Hawk Harrelson Sound Board is Finally Here

Comcast Sportsnet compiled some of the "great" one liners from the mouth of one Hawk Harrelson. Yes, the legend himself who once upon a time invented batting gloves subsequent to inventing the game of baseball. Now you can play the Hawk Harrelson drinking game at any time, cause who actually wants to sit through a White Sox game even if your drunk

Hawk has a new catch phrase

We all know Hawk's main catch phrase "put it on the board, YES!" Well that has recently morphed into a double YES! YES! and today after the game winning hit by Scotty Pods in the 13th inning, Hawk broke out a new one. YES! HELL YES! Now hell is not one of the 7 words you cant say on television, which includes piss for some reason, but it is still very humorous. Once again proving that Hawk is the biggest homer in the history of sports. Someone give this guy an ambien before the game.

The White Sox announcers are fucking shit

We all know I hate Hawk "I invented the batting glove" Harrelson for various reason that range from poor analysis to obnoxious made up words to downright racism (he has often claimed on air, usually when the Sox play the Mariners, that Asians have patience built into their genetics). However, let's just put that stuff aside for now. Let's just pretend Hawk's announcer VORP is 0. Let's give him a clean slate and only use what he said in today's game as justification for why Hawk is just not a very good announcer.

What irks me so much as to write a post about his ramblings today? Well, amongst other things, Hawk tried to rationalize and justify Matt Kemp batting 9th (again) today because of his high strikeout totals (he has a team-leading 62). You do not rationalize the fact that Joe Torre is a fucking moron. You do not just ignore the fact that, despite a 24% strikeout rate (which is no where near as whiffingly as Chris Davis (45.3%) or B.J. Upton (29.6%) or Carlos Pena (36.3%), all of whom bat in the top or heart of the order), Matt Kemp CONTINUES to post a quality .165 ISO, clip line drives at an elite 21.3% rate, walk 10% of the time and post a .385 wOBA. To put those numbers in perspective, Matt Kemp leads the active Dodgers line up in offensive production. Only Manny Ramirez (.466 wOBA), who is currently serving a 50-game suspension for the use of PEDs, has more offensive value than Matt Kemp. And yet, Matt Kemp persistently bats in the bottom third of the Dodgers line up -- behind Russell Martin (.310 wOBA), Mark Loretta (.291 wOBA), Rafael Furcal (.295 wOBA), James Loney (.325 wOBA), Andre Ethier (.355 wOBA), Juan Pierre (.363 wOBA), Casey Blake (.371 wOBA) and Orlando Hudson (.372 wOBA).

Did I mention that Matt Kemp also has a ridiculous 7.0 speed score and Carlos Beltran-like 85.7% success rate with stolen bases? Cause he's also got that going for him.

So to everyone out there who hates Matt Kemp for whatever reason, I have just one thing to say to you. You simply cannot, no matter who you are (bad manager, bad TV announcer, etc) or how hard you try, justify batting Matt Kemp ninth. Or eighth. Or seventh for that matter. It's even very hard to make a case for Matt Kemp batting as low as fifth or sixth in the line up. Kemp is a heart of the order kind of guy with a top third of the order skillset. Plain and simple.

So fuck Russell 10 Extra Base Hits Martin.

Oh, and in case you didn't watch the game, Matt Kemp went 1-4 with a 3 run home run. Quite the bottom of the order material, right?

Baseball Trigonometry

Amidst all the baseball stats that we here at GOI throw out ad nauseum, it is easy to forget just how geometric the game of baseball really is. A round ball being hit by a round bat. 90 feet between each base. 60' 6'' from the mound to the plate with a 10'' elevation. The list goes on and on. But as Hawk Harrelson has been known to do, he has invented a new trigonometric property that has gone overlooked for nearly 130 years. After a close play at the plate that resulted in the force out of Chris Getz, Hawk and Stoney reviewed the play several times on replay to see if indeed the runner was out on the bang bang play. Stone commented that from his vantage point, Getz was barely out on the play. Hawk put in his two cents by stating that he has a different angle to the plate than his broadcast partner and thought the throw just beat the runner.

Although Hawk's claim that he has a different view of the plate is valid, it may not have any relevance when it comes to deciphering a play at the plate. Hence, I decided to do a little trigonometry and see what Hawk actually meant by "a different angle".

I'm going to make several assumptions, seeing as how I dont have access to the blueprints of Miller Park. I'll make a rough estimate that the announcing box is about 200 feet away from home plate. Seeing as how this is Hawk and Stone's first year together, I'll assume they're still trying to get that intimacy, so I will give them a 7 foot cushion between their eyes. We'll also disregard any curvature to the upper deck or anything like that since the effect is miniscule. All that's left is the math.



From my calculations, it appears that the angle separating Hawk and Stone's view of home plate is 2 degrees. Surely baseball is a game of inches, but how big a difference is 2 degrees from 200 feet away in the eyes of a 67 year old man? Maybe he should also claim that the light from home plate arrived to his eyes about 12 nanoseconds before it did to Steve's eyes.

If umpires cant get calls right from 5 feet away there is really no point of trying to do so from 200. Prime example today when the home plate ump mistook a foul tip by Ryan Braun for getting hit in the head. I get those confused too.

The king of generalizations

On the topic of making drastic, unrealistic generalizations based on small sample sizes, we have to introduce the king of kings, Hawk Harrelson. We all know he is prone to hyperbole. Like Miguel Olivo having the strongest arm of any catcher in major league history. Or Neal Cotts having the best delivery in the league. Or an umpire making the worst call ever, every single game. Or Hawk claiming to invent the game of baseball.

Well boys and girls, he have a new one to add to the collection. After the very first game of the baseball season, Hawk went on the Waddle and Silvey radio show and proclaimed that 'Jim Thome is swinging the bat right now better than he has in his career.' Seriously Hawk? You have seen a total of one game this season! Yes, he did hit the game winning home run in the 8th, but how does that equate to swinging the bat better than he has in his career. Mind i remind you that Jim Thome has had 6 40-homer seasons and set the major league record for 8 straight games with a home run.

Henry Blanco his 2 home runs last night. I proclaim he is the best baseball player since babe ruth. End of conversation

The Hawk Harrelson Drinking Game

Not only does this site clearly need more White Sox related posts but with baseball season rapidly approaching, myself and White Sox fan all over the world need a nice drinking game to deal with the team not winning games next year and dealing with Hawk Harrelson, um, speaking. Here's one I found online (although I had to modify it because the original one was written in '06):

WHEN TO TAKE A DRINK

* Everytime Hawk says "Can 'O Corn"
* Everytime Hawk says "Cinch it up and hunker down"
* Everytime Hawk says "In between" as in "AJ is in between right now, and has no
idea what to expect."
* Everytime Hawk mentions that the opposing pitcher is getting a strike zone
much larger than the current White Sox hurler.
* Everytime Brian Anderson strikes out.
* Everytime Steve Stone asks Hawk a question, and is answered with silence.
* Everytime Hawk says "Thats a hang wiffum right there."
* Everytime Jermaine Dye makes a spectacular catch going back on a ball in right
field.
* Everytime AJ Pierzynski swings at a first pitch.
* Everytime a White Sox pitcher sets the opponents down 1-2-3.
* Everytime the White Sox turn a double play.
* Everytime Hawk says "C'mon stretch! Get back there!"
* Everytime Hawk says "Maddabattacola." Ya, I'm not sure what the hell that's
from either, but it means a shattered bat.
* Everytime Alexei Rameriz gets a walk.
* Everytime Hawk makes a reference to how he invented the batting glove.

WHEN TO TAKE A SHOT

* Everytime the White Sox hit a home run.
* Everytime Hawk mentions Yaz or Catfish Hunter.
* Everytime Jim Thome takes advantage of the infield shift and pokes a single
into left field.
* Everytime Ozzie gets ejected.
* Everytime Bartolo Colon gives up at least 3 runs in an inning.
* Everytime the Sox fail to execute a bunt.
* Everytime Bobby Jenks gets a save.
* Everytime Toby Hall or Chris Getz get a hit.
* Everytime a White Sox steals a base.

WHEN TO CHUG AN ENTIRE BEER

* Everytime the White Sox hit a grand slam.
* Everytime a White Sox pitcher strikes out the side.
* Everytime the White Sox win.

WARNING: I am not responsible for any cases of alcohol poisoning. Also, if played correctly(and by correctly I mean you're taking a shot of whiskey, not Pucker; if you're drinking Pucker go watch a Cubs game, Sally) you probably won't remember much that happens after the 4th inning.

DISCLAIMER: I also don't realistically expect anyone to do this because it's probably extremely unsafe and this is meant for entertainment value only. I am not really advocating people do this. Seriously guys, if you're drinking, do it responsibly.

If you have any other suggestions to add to the list, tell me in the comments section. If not, drink up and Go Sox

The White Sox Announcer Swap

Last year, it was really tough watching White Sox games. The team was above average last year and made the playoffs. But what made them so hard to watch was actually the announcing (so I guess it was hard to listen to Sox games while watching them???). Anyway, the TV announcers were Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson (a man who's more useful as a center for drinking games than he is for announcing) and Darrin "DJ" Jackson (a man who is so boring that I'd rather watch a chick flick than listen to). If I could, I would turn the TV on mute and listen 670 The Score with Steve Stone and Ed "Farmio" Farmer. Two guys who really know their shit about baseball and had such a good rapport that it made games fun to listen to. After the White Sox lost in the playoffs, the team fired DJ. And they replaced him with the radio 'Color Guy', Steve Stone. With an open vacancy next to Farmio, who does 670 hire? That's right Darrin Jackson.

Now I don't know how to feel about this swap. Now I love Steve Stone and he's one of my favorite baseball analysts but he's now seated beside Hawk, a man who's the play-by-play announcer yet often doesn't speak and when he does, it's about how excited he is that the Sox are doing well or he's pissed at a bad call. And I can't really turn to the radio because I'll have a great play-by-play guy in Farmio and a boring mo fo in DJ. The radio had two A's and TV had two C's. Now each has one A and C. What to do!

Hopefully Farmio and Hawk can switch soon.

Although, I don't think this is going to matter this year because the Sox are gonna suck next year. Shit.