These players might not hit over .240, but they shouldn't have a problem hitting .240 on a breathalyzer. Ladies & Gentlemen, your 2011 DUI ALL-STARS (a * indicates that the player received a DUI in 2011):
- Coco Crisp* (OF, projected BAC of .210): Stellar defense led prosecution to drop all charges.
- Edgar Sangeria (SS, .200): post-game celebrations with Dusty Baker could lead to trouble
- Miguel Cabrera* (1B, .240): perennial contender for the Triple Crown Royal
- Shin-Soo Choo* (OF, .200): what else is there to do in the post-LeBron wasteland?
- Austin Kearns* (OF, .215)
- Ryan Doumit (C): recently apprehended for operating a flying saucer while using a cellular phone.
- Adam Kennedy* (2b, .110): Regrettably, he realized that plowing through pitchers of MGD wasn't the same as plowing through major league pitchers.
- Brandon Inge (3B, .250): Take the 'randon' out of "Brandon Inge drinking"
- Derek Lowe* (SP, .195
The team, of course, is managed by Tony "don't you know who I am" LaRussa.