Help A Football Player In Need

Hat tip to Cubsfan4ever for directing this open letter to my attention:

My friends,

Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in
our generation. We have banded together to overcome adversity. We have
weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas,
corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges,
droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of
economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come
together once again to overcome one of our greatest challenges yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going
to be locked out, living at well below their seven-figure salary level. And
as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life
sustaining pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the
upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of
a large screen projection TV), you can help an NFL player remain economically
viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the
problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and
every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player
it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida
or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more
than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance,
but to a football player, $900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon
signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the
player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean
(for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on
your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to
help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case
additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check
below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of
the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger
Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for
hat).

Your Name: ____________________Telephone Number: ___________________
Account Number: __________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] Master Card [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: ______________________

The 2011 DUI All-Stars

The following, as if he read my mine, comes courtesy of a friend named "Happy."

These players might not hit over .240, but they shouldn't have a problem hitting .240 on a breathalyzer. Ladies & Gentlemen, your 2011 DUI ALL-STARS (a * indicates that the player received a DUI in 2011):

1. Coco Crisp* (OF, projected BAC of .210): Stellar defense led prosecution to drop all charges.
2. Edgar Sangeria (SS, .200): post-game celebrations with Dusty Baker could lead to trouble
3. Miguel Cabrera* (1B, .240): perennial contender for the Triple Crown Royal
4. Shin-Soo Choo* (OF, .200): what else is there to do in the post-LeBron wasteland?
   
5. Austin Kearns* (OF, .215)
   
6. Ryan Doumit (C): recently apprehended for operating a flying saucer while using a cellular phone.
   
7. Adam Kennedy* (2b, .110): Regrettably, he realized that plowing through pitchers of MGD wasn't the same as plowing through major league pitchers.
8. Brandon Inge (3B, .250): Take the 'randon' out of "Brandon Inge drinking"
9. Derek Lowe* (SP, .195

Bench: Elijah Dukes (OF, projected BAC of .230): went from batting fifth to pleading the fifth; high slugging percentage didn't transfer from the bedroom to the field. Was also caught stealing second base from Dick's sporting goods.

The team, of course, is managed by Tony "don't you know who I am" LaRussa.

Legal Fantasy Baseball Team Names

I can't sleep, so here are some some fantasy baseball team names that involved legal jargon I've been musing about. Some are better than others; make suggestions in the comments.

• Habeas CORPAS
  
• De Novotto Review
• Quid Pro Kuo
• Caveat Kemptor
• Per Quade
• Cliff Appellee
• Wright To Remain Silent (or sub any other "Constitutional Wright")
• Fi-Duchsch-iary Obligations
  
• Longoria Arm Statutes
• Lessoria
• Locus in Kuo
• Gideon v. Wainwright
• Juan Miranda v. Arizona (he was traded to Dbacks in the offseason)
  

Gilbert Gottfried Is Hilarious

Just further proof that Sexy Rexy's sense of humor is questionable:

The Best And Worst Video Of The Day

Manny Being Manny

Johhny Damon: Will I play 162 games? Probably not. But I've learned how to keep my body healthy

Manny Ramirez: Lets do it (looking at Damon). You play 100 and I play 62. Thats all we gotta do

Zing!

Blake Griffin: The Narrow World of Sports

You can't patent this idea, but click here for some hilarious humor involving some NBA guy or something. I don't know. It's not baseball.

Is it baseball season yet?

Not Sports Related!

So I was bored and wrote this parody of Bohemian Rhapsody titled "Obamian Rhapsody." Enjoy it. Particularly to the Muppets Version of the song.


Is this the real life?
This must be fantasy
He won in a landslide
To take the presidency
Open your eyes
To his useless policies

He's just a fall guy
Communist puppetry
Corrupt as they come, ask Resko
Tax them high, tax them more
Anyway the economy goes
Money doesn't matter
To him

Obama,
Just passed a bill
To give us all health care
But it leaves no cash to spare
Obama,
My career had just begun
But now you've gone and taxed my whole salary

Obama,
Ooh (don't regret him)
Didn't mean to vote you in
I won't repeat that sin again tomorrow
Carry on, carry on
Money doesn't matter

Too late,
His bills have passed
He was wrong about Iran
Now they've got a nuke in hand
Take note, everybody
He's got to go
Gotta wake the liberals up to the truth

Obama
Oooooooh (where'd the votes go)
I'm not conservative
But sometimes I wish I'd never voted for him at all

[Guitar Solo]

I see a little silhouetto of a promise
He lied to you, he lied to you, did you really believe him
World peace, no tax increase? None of it ever fooled me
(Abraham Lincoln) Abraham Lincoln (Abraham Lincoln) Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln's cabinet my a-a-a-a-a-ass

I didn't do it, blame G.W.B.
Just like Jimmy Carter, poor foreign policy
Spare us this prophet of the democrat party

Easy come, easy go, will you let him go?
Wish me luck!
No, we will not let him go
Let him go
Wish me luck!
We will not let him go
Let him go
Wish me luck!
We will not let him go
Let him go (Will not let him go)
Let him go (Will not let him go)
(Never, never, never, never)
Let him go, o, o, o, o No, no, no, no, no, no, no (Obama mia, bama mia)
Obama Mia, let him go
Harry Reed has the devil put aside for me, for me, for me!

So you think you think you're entitled to my money?
Do you think you can take my vote and then just lie?
Ohhhhh, bama, you can't do that Obama
Just go back to, just go back to Hawaii bitch

[Guitar Solo] (Oooh yeah, Oooh yeah)

Money doesn't matter
Fuck the economy
Money doesn't matter
Money doesn't matter to him

TBS's Elite Scouting Report

They forgot "old man has old man's hip."

Concentra Urgent Care Facility & Bar

Only in Wisconsin can you find an urgent care health facility which is literally connected to a bar (click image to enlarge):

Ricky Nolasco Inducted Into Sammy Sosa's "Hall Of Weird, Funny And Dumb Baseball Injuries"

The South Sun Florida Sentel is reporting that Ricky Nolasco's season may be over after sustaining "a 'medium' tear to the meniscus ligament in his right knee" while tying his shoe.

Why the Marlins would not make up a less embarrassing reason for the injury is beyond me, but with this injury, Ricky Nolasco joins the infamous annuls of "embarrassing ways baseball players have injured themselves." I dub this place Sammy Sosa's "Hall Of Weird, Funny And Dumb Baseball Injuries." Click the name links for more information.

1. Joel Zumaya injured his arm while playing guitar hero.
2. Adam Eaton stabbed himself with a knife while trying to open a DVD.
3. Brandon Inge, a power hitter, injured himself lifting a pillow.
4. Glenallen Hill, who once hit a 900 hundred foot home run at Wrigley, cut and banged him himself up good while sleepwalking into a glass table and then falling down a staircase while dreaming about spiders.
5. Pitcher Steve Sparks once tried to rip a phone book in half at a motivational seminar. The only thing he inspired was a DL stint.
   
6. This is less a bizarre injury type, so much as a hilarious injury comment. Pitcher Dizzy Dean was once beaned in the head by a line drive and given x-rays. Said Dean: "they took X-rays of my head and found nothing."
7. Outfielder Marty Cordova once fell asleep in a tanning bed. Boy was his face red.
8. Superhero leadoff man Rickey Henderson did a lot of funny things in his career (i.e., checking into hotels under the names "Richard Pryor" and "James Brown"), but he was not laughing when he was frostbit as a result of falling asleep with an icepack on his leg while treating an ankle injury.
   
9. Hunter Pence once injured himself running into a glass sliding door. To be fair however, it's happened to the best of us (sometimes twice).
10. Nolasco is not the only baseball player who sustained a bizarre injury this season. Kendy Morales was hurt while jumping for joy following a walk off grand slam. Chris Coghlan (also of the Marlins) was injured pie-ing Wes Helms in the face.
    
11. Red Sox Pitcher Clarence Blethen once bit himself in the ass. According to WEEI.com (which lists a handful of other weird/funny Boston sports injuries in this article),

    "Blethen didn’t have many teeth and he figured that he could use that to his advantage. When on the mound, he would take out his fake teeth and put them in his back pocket, intimidating the batter (at least in theory). The story goes that one game, he forgot to take them out of his back pocket when he was running the bases, and he slid into second to break up a double play with the teeth still in the pocket. Blethen would have to be taken out of the game because he literally bit himself in the butt. He wouldn’t pitch again in the majors for another six years."

12. John Smoltz once burnt himself ironing a shirt . . . that he was wearing.
    
13. Detroit pitcher Matt Anderson hurt his armpit in an silly Octopus-throwing promotion to win Red Wings tickets. He was never the same.
    
14. Ryan Dempster broke his toe (and those of millions of Cubs fans) when he attempted to leap over the dugout railing. This is almost as embarrassing as when Carlos Zambrano injured himself checking his email. Check out Dempster's name link for more bizarre Cubs-related sports injuries.
    
15. Wade Boggs injured himself removing his beloved cowboy boots.
    
16. Moises Alou injured himself when he ran over his own son with a bike (while recovering from a knee injury, no less).
    
17. Charlie Hough broke his pinky "pinky swearing."
18. Milton Bradley was injured while regular swearing. Bradley suffered a season-ending knee injury (ACL tear) while being restrained from going at it with Umpire Mike Winters by Padres manager Bud Blac.
19. Mark Smith injured his hand by placing it inside an air conditioner to check why it wasn’t working. This one, along with Oddibe McDowell's roll-buttering finger cut, are Darwin Award bad.
    
20. Speedster Vince Coleman, who has a special place in TBO's heart, was injured during game 4 of the 1985 NLCS when his leg was run over by the tarp rolling machine.
    
21. And of course, who could forget the infamous Sammy Sosa, who hurt his back sneezing during the disastrous 2004 season. Mat Latos also accomplished this feat earlier this year, but sneezing injuries are so six years ago.
22. Russell Branyan missed some time after falling out of his chair at a pizza joint trying to pick up a flip flop.
    

An honorable mention goes out to Jeff Kent, who claims he was injured in 2002 while "washing his truck." I put that in quotes, and Kent only gets an honorable mention here, because it is widely believe that the true cause of Kent's injury was doing wheelies on his motorcycle.

If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy reading about some of baseball's top pranks.

What Is Randy Johnson Doing Now?

Where Can You Sit At Wrigley If You Hate Beer?

Answer: The Corner, because you're in time out for not liking beer. 94 strong years of failure, disappointment and drunkeness and counting.

Cueto Is An Evil Ventriloquist Dummy

Toyota: Moving Forward (Even When You Don't Want To)

Yum, cheesecake

My Dad Is Cooler Than Your Dad

Making Light Of The Chicago Bears Season

This is making light of the Bears season. I did not write this or feel this way towards any of the Bears players or the Team. Someone sent this to me and I thought it was funny.


Too much truth here.........................

Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & the Taliban?
A. The Taliban has a running game!

Q. What do the Chicago Bears & Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make a stadium full of people stand up & yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Chicago Bears player out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Chicago in case of a tornado?
A. Soldier Field - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. Why doesn't Rockford have a professional football team?
A. Because then Chicago would want one.

Q. Why was Lovie Smith upset when the Bears playbook was stolen?
A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Chicago Bears & a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Chicago Bears.

Q. What do the Chicago Bears & possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home & get killed on the road.

Q. How can you tell when the Chicago Bears are going to run the football?
A. Forte leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.

Disclaimer: This was sent to one of the contributors of Game Of Inches and I thought it was funny. This is not true and entirely meant for entertainment purposes.

The Simpsons Softball Song

From one of my favorite Simpsons episodes of all time, Homer At Bat (season 3).

Derek Jeter is washed up

According to MLB.com, Deter Jeter will have a supporting role in the upcoming Adam McKay movie "The Other Guys." The kicker? Derek Jeter will be playing a washed up version of himself, four years removed from baseball. The promotional picture (below) is absolutely hilarious.



I guess the backstory to the plot is that ESPN jerked off so much to Derek Jeter that their dick fell off. Either that or John Kruk ate everyone else from Baseball Tonight. Why else wouldn't Captain Clutch be slumming it up with Joe Morgan in 2018?