Bad QB League

We at GOI do whatever Bill Simmons tells us to do, so when he told us to start a Bad QB League, well that is exactly what we did. 5 players, 4 teams per player. Rules are in the article. Here is how the draft went down

FJM: Mike Lombardi On The B.S. Report

Mike Lombardi is an analyst for NFL.com and a friend of Bill Simmons and thus a frequent guest on The B.S. Report. I don't understand how Bill Simmons can be friends with both the founder and creator of Football Outsiders (the leading pioneer in advanced NFL statistics) Aaron Schatz and truly believe what FO says and also listen to the advice of Lombardi. Mike Lomardi is the most vanilla, cliche analysis out there and is just one step above Trent Dilfer who doesn't even believe in statistics. Sidenote: why is it the worst QB ever to win a Superbowl is the guy who doesn't believe in stats?

Anyways, I'm like a week or two behind on my B.S. Report's and I was recently listening to a podcast where Simmons and Lombardi were talking about the Bears/Jets game. Now since this game already happened before I started listening to the podcast, I was very upset at what I was listening to. Let me share some excerpts from the podcast with you.

Mind you, the Bears won this game 38-34

Mike Lombardi: I don't see how the Jets lose this game.

Are you now blind Mike Lombardi? Seriously though, the Bears are a good team, they were fighting for home field advantage throughout the playoffs and this game was being played IN Chicago, yet there was NO WAY you could see the Bears lose!? What!

This is a bad match up for the Bears because the Bears can't really block all this pressure stuff

What is "pressure stuff"? What are you, the new marketing director for Oreos? Kids, come out and try our new Pressure Stuffed Oreos!

and the more pressure stuff the more Jay Cutler will turn the ball over

He ain't the best analyst in the biz for nothing folks. Bringing you top quality analysis like, "the more pressure a defense gets on a quarterback, the harder it is for the quarterback to be effective". Thank you Mike Lombardi for graduating from elementary school and watching the NFL for at least one full season. By the way, way to not actually watch Jay Cutler since Chicago's bye and realize he's not the turnover machine he was last year. Cutler only had one turnover this game.

not that I think the Bears can't play good defense

What!? The team that has the 3rd best scoring defense coming into this game has the possibility of playing good defense? Again, top notch stuff Lombardi, top notch. And just to pile more shit on Lombardi, the Bears played horrific defense this game.

I mean the Bears have to try and win this game in the teens, 16-13, but I think the Bears offense will make a mistake.

Yep, a real low scoring game. A real doozy of a tilt we had goin' on up in herrr. Also, more nonsense, cliche dribble like the Bears are automatically going to turn it over.

The Bears don't have anything they can hang their hat on, they don't have a great running game

"Honey I'm home"
"Lovely Matt, what did you do today?"
"Well, I just ran for 113 yards on 19 carries which is good for a 5.9 yards per carry. Plus, I had a great rushing touchdown run"
"Oh, that's just lovely dear, can I take your hat? I think we just found a new resting place for it"

and the more they throw the less, more opportunity they have to pass.

ENGLISH MOTHAFUCKA! Do you speak it?

I think the Jets can go in there, they're good on the road, they kind of have a mutter type mentality

What does "mutter" mean? I can make up words and intangibles too! "The Bears have a strongforce, grittering type of style that is the reason they win games."

and I think they can play enough defense against a bad offense. They usually shut down bad offenses and I'm not sure the Bears have a great offense.

Yeah, keep shitting on this offense some more and they'll go laugh when the scoreboard reads that they have more points than their opponent.

Bill Simmons: The Bears are not a team that is equipped to drop 35 points

With the exception of this game where the Bears put up 38 points. Oh and the game before where they put up 40.

M.L.: And they're not going to be able to handle all the pressure stuff, the overloads.

Quick! Somebody call the Manning brothers and get this man a cookie stat! He's hungry!

Not that Mike Martz won't know how to block it but Mike Martz will have a hard time getting it done because they can't block, the right tackle's a liability, the left guard's a liability, those are problems.

Because it's not like Mike Martz isn't an above average offensive coordinator or anything and it's not like he (a) doesn't make adjustments during games and (b) hasn't been making adjustments during games all season long.

You commonplace dumb piece of shit Mike Lombardi. You can't keep spitting out platitudes and then wonder why you keep wiping egg off of your face every week. But I thank your stupidity for giving me a chance to laugh at you. And you were SOOOOOO confident the Jets were going to win this game too.

Bill Simmons Visits A Convention

We Are Bill Simmons Whores

Always awkward on video, not sure why

Bill Simmons book signing at ESPNzone Chicago

FJM: Bill Simmons Edition, Part II

A line Simmons said with Matthew Berry on his podcast

This year's Angels are very similar to what the Brewers had last year, that they have a lot of Black players which really helps them with their swagger

And the Angels, like what the Brewers did last year, got ousted from the playoffs and did not make it to the World Series. Why are "sports experts" allowed to just make up all these intangibles! All these unquantifiable quantities Simmons has assigned all these teams are teams that ended up not going to the World Series. Notice how Simmons didn't assign any intangibles to the Phillies or Yankees? (Well, the Phillies are a NL team so Simmons doesn't even know they exist)

A line Simmons has repeatedly said on his podcast:

The Angels scare me, they have the "Nick Adenhart" factor, something all these players can rally around; they want to win it for him

Listen, I in no way want to make light of the tragic death of Adenhart, but look how how this "Adenhart factor" has helped the Angels. In a short luck-based series, LA defeated Boston, and in the longer series, they got beat by the Yankees. And did the Angels really ever feel like they were in this series? Did the "Adenhart factor" just help the Angels finally got out of the first round. Does Vlad Guerrero have to die in order for the Angels to the World Series? Or maybe some little kid can wish they win the pennant and that is the "intangible" the Angels will need.

SIDENOTE: How come in all these sports movies, the goal isn't to win the World Series? In "Angels in the Outfield", the Joseph-Gordon Levitt character only wanted the Angels to win the pennant. If you're gonna wish for the Angels to win and be good, why not ask for Angels to help the baseball team win it all, as opposed to just MAKING IT to the World Series. In Major League (I), their goal was just to make it to the playoffs. You know what would have stuck it to the new owner and gain a lot of fans, win a World Series.

FJM: Bill Simmons Edition

Here's some excepts from Simmons podcast on 10.13.09 between him and JackO talking about the 2009 Red Sox v Angels ALDS

BS: I wasn't sold on this Red Sox team from a "heart" standpoint

What about from a "lung" standpoint? How were the Red Sox kidneys this year? I think the need to cut back on the red meat, the Red Sox cholesterol was a bit high. Maybe, that's what was wrong with the Red Sox heart this year

BS: The Angels were hungrier

Maybe the Angels should have ate a Snickers before the game or something

BS: [The 2009 Red Sox team] was the kind of team you would put together in a laboratory with statistics

Stupid fucking Bill James using statistics to determine which players are good or not. How dare anyone put a team together based on statistics! I mean, who needs shit like OBP, SLG, and UZR to measure how your team does. Let's throw out the shit like 70% of the first round is due to pure luck.

JackO: Where they're just like this corporate, soulless, robotic team that just goes about it's business, but has no fire no life, no spirit, no defining characteristics really.

Because you need to have fire to win in the playoffs! That's why the cavemen always did well in the playoffs, all they had was fire! Who needs to plate discipline or a good rotation when you have fire or spirit or a defining characteristic!

JackO: I'm not in the locker room, who knows how much of a difference all of this really makes...

Wait, did JackO just admit that everything him and Simmons were talking about were bullshit?

...but as an outsider viewing it, like, you just would like to see your team with a little, a little, life a little fire...

Oh shit, never mind. Sure let's not use Bill James' "outsider perspective", let's use JackO's.

JackO: Even Victor Martinez with his 27 different handshakes couldn't bring it together

Yeah it wasn't the fact that V-Mart was 2nd among catchers in wOBA that he was good, it was his handshakes. Maybe I should play baseball, I can shake hands!

BS: Yeah, we had Victor Martinez and Pedroia are the two guys that you know seem like they would be pieces on a type of playoff roster that would do something. You look at Youkilis, like every at bat, he's, he looks like he's gonna take a bat to the third base coach and just beat him to death...

Stupid fucking Youk who had an OBP over .400 and 20+ HRs. Fuck that guy. I want Pedroia who can barely hit a 365 foot home run. I want his "intangibles"

We don't have, like, that wacky Orlando Cabrera type, we don't have like Torii Hunter type, you know really passionate fist pump type, we don't have 38 year old veteran like, the Todd Helton type, that guys that's always wanted to make it to the World Series and he's dying, you know, although Todd Helton's made but you know.. the guy that would do anything to make it one time, where are those guys on this Red Sox team?

Did Simmons realize that two of the three players he mentioned have been eliminated? Did Orlando Cabrera's "wackiness" help the Twins gets swept by the Yankees? The Rockies beat the Phillies in the NLCS because of Todd Helton, right?

Jim Thome and Ken Griffey Jr, guys like Helton who "always wanted to make it to a World Series" really helped the White Sox win a World Series last year, right?

JackO: They needed Kevin Millar again, you know, somebody to stir things up...

Yes, the Red Sox needed Kevin Millar with his .311 OBP, .674 OPS, .302 wOBA, and negative UZR is exactly what the Red Sox needed to beat the Angels!

...Like the Yankees have Nick Swisher... a guy to have a little camaraderie, a little chemistry

Wasn't one of the main reason the Sox traded Swisher was because he was pissing people off in the clubhouse? This is the guy who is supposed to build camaraderie?

Oh, and this also helped the 2008 White Sox, right? Because not only did they have the "Todd Helton" guy that Simmons talked about, but they also had Swisher. Do these two guys even check their facts or think before they talk? They're like the Michael Scott of sports podcasts.

Now we realize why the Red Sox lost in the first round of a best of five series. No, it it's not because the Red OSx got unlucky and their best pitchers had so-so games or because of Jonathan Paperlbon, it's because the Red Sox didn't have heart or passion!

Bill Simmons is on Gary Bettmans list

Was listening to a recent Bill Simmons podcast with his best friend (only friend?) Jacko about the rivalry matchups in college football. J/k, they were talking about the Sox and the Yanks like always. The conversation swayed toward Jeter and Arod explaining the resurgence of Jeter and the lesser role Arod has taken this year.

Simmons made a few stupid comments during the podcast, which he is prone to do, and apparently makes him charming in a way. First he thought Lou Gehrig disease was a cancer, then not knowing the difference between a disease and cancer, and then just getting off the subject. Trying to make a wacky movie/music/sports connection, Simmons called Kate Hudson Arod's sloppy seconds(oh no he didn') saying not even the allegedly slutty Hudson could get Arod back on the baseball radar.

Overlooking the preposterous notion that Arod is having a down season(.400 wOBA), we know what happened the last time someone(Martin Brodeur's bitch) called someone else(Jack Bauer's daughter) sloppy seconds. Gary Betmann would so suspend Simmons for the rest of him life from ESPN. Of course, Bettman is not in charge of ESPN, otherwise we'd be watching sportscenter on Versus. So we can just laugh at the joke and laugh at the NHL for being stupid, though I do love the sport.

Bill Simmons Stole My Idea! (sort of): What Is The Most Defining Moive Of This Decade?

On a recent podcast with Chris Connelly, Simmons asked Connelly what the most defining and best movie of this decade was. Simmons said the movie had to fulfill three qualifications: excellence, creativity, re-watchability. I recently had a post about which movies this decade we will remember. While it is not the same as what exactly Simmons asked, it is along similar lines. While on the spot, Connely gave probably the correct answer- The Dark Knight. Simmons, for his movie knowledge, gave a pretty stupid one- Almost Famous.

While Simmons may personally enjoy the movie, it is absolutely not the defining movie of this decade. This is not just opinion, it is fact, Almost Famous is NOT this decade's most defining movie. It is not even close. In fact, in my post, I put Almost Famous in the "maybe" pile. The movie is not shown often on TV, which is a sign that people don't really want to watch it, and it essentially disappeared from the Americana consciousness. All of the quotes Simmons writes in his article are not mainstream quotes and if they were spoofed on SNL or taken out of context, I guarantee you the average American would not understand the reference. Very similar to when my friends and I (essentially YOU reading this) say random quotes from The 40 Year Old Virgin and Home Movies. Myself and my generation will essentially determine what movies from the naughts will be remembered and if it weren't for Simmons, I'm sure very few people would even remember that Almost Famous existed. None of my friends or myself rant and rave about Almost Famous, nor do anyone who I met in high school or college, which is why I initially put Famous in the "maybe" column.

Bill Simmons has what he calls The Esgee Awards, a place where you can vote for what movie you think is this decade's most defining movie. You can choose between: The Dark Knight, The Departed, Gladiator, No Country For Old Men, Lord Of The Rings, Gladiator, Cast Away, Brokeback Mountain, and Almost Famous. It should be no surprise that TDK is has been voted first and Almost Famous had been voted fourth above: TCFOM, Cast Away, and Brokeback Mountain (probably more to do with Simmons' influence, the bi-polarity of NCFOM reviews, and the crapiness of Cast Away compared to the rest of the group).

I could go on and on saying just how terrible this decade is to begin with and just how poor essentially all of these choices are, but surprisingly, I do have a social life and time constraints, so I will just tell you why The Dark Knight is this decade's best movie. I will agree with Simmons initial assumption of the qualifications of what makes the best movie. I will now go on to explain how TDK fulfills the three qualifications. First of all, The Dark Knight, is one of the greatest action movies of all time or par with Indiana Jones and Terminator 2. Secondly, the fact that it was one of the biggest grossing movies ever shows it's excellence and rewatchability. In order for a movie to make that much money, many people have to go see it over and over again. I know I personally saw it opening weekend and twice after that. Plus, the reason people go see over and over again is BECAUSE of how good the movie is. I had a friend tell me that TDK should have been nominated for a Best Picture Oscar because it made so much money. I think there's missing causality links, but he's right. The reason it made SO MUCH money was BECAUSE the movie was so good- hence deserving at least an Oscar nod.

The movie also is certainly creative. The movie aired after Spiderman 2, the Tim Burton Batman's, and even Iron Man, and yet STILL managed to be creative. Superhero and action movies are a dime a dozen (cough cough X-Men cough cough) and yet TDK still manages to be different. There's so much depth to the movie, the characters, and the story itself that it's creativity leads to its excellence.

Simmons also uses quotes from Almost Famous to help state his case/ write a sports column and The Dark Knight certainly has its fair of quotable line, much more than Almost Famous. Not only are there the big ones the studio pushed like "Why So Serious?" and "Hellooooooo Commmm-issioner" but minor one my friends and I like to drop every so often like "I'm very good with calculation", "I'M NOT WEARING HOCKEY PADS", and "'Do you know how I got these scars?' 'No, but I know how you got these!'". While the movie really doesn't have that natural awesome line that people quoted like "I... drink... your... milkshake, I DRINK IT UP!" but I'm sure if you quoted TDK, the average American would understand the reference.

I think most people would understand the reference because of just how new the movie is, and I think that's the only detriment to the movie. I movie like Gladiator has proven it can stand the test of time- more so that The Dark Knight can, just because of how old Gladiator is and how recent TDK is. The only way to truly determine what the best movie from this decade is will be is to ask generation after generation after generation and see what their response is. Time is the best indicator and TDK hasn't really stood the test of it yet. But I think it's still safe to say that 1) The Dark Knight (so far) is the best movie of the decade and 2) Almost Famous should not even be in the conversation. Sorry Billy.

Why Am I Still Obsessed With Bill Simmons?

I think Bill Simmons along with fangraphs, anti-grindiness, anti-Yahoo! analysis, anti-ESPN/ baseball tonight, and anti-DME talking about his fantasy baseball teams are all pretty much inside jokes/ common likes among the authors of this blog. DME and mainly TBO have recently gotten me into Bill Simmons podcast The BS Report and now with my new soul crushing job, all I do is listen to podcasts. This means I have gotten all caught up on Mr. Simmons podcasts over the past two months or so. I try and listen to every recent podcast of his and I have come to realization, why do I care to be caught up on BS Reports?

Now obviously Simmons is one of the popular sports personalities and one of the most popular iTunes podcasters and many many many people listen to his podcasts like I have been doing of late. He has seen more movies than maybe even DME and DOES have a very warm and funny personality. But at what point does his content override all?

Especially of late, all Simmons does is talk about basketball. Basketball this and basketball that and he's talking to this basketball player and he's talking to this basketball coach and he's talking to this ESPN guys about basketball. And if he doesn't talk about basketball he's just talking to JackO about the Red Sox and Yankees. The few times he does mention Chicago, or really any midwestern sports team (so like the ONE time he did so), he doesn't really know what the hell he's talking about. You know, for a guy that hates ESPN, he essentially IS ESPN.

Now I understand WHY Simmons talks about basketball. BBall is just Simmons' sport. Everyone has their favorite sport, and basketball is his. He loves the game, watches every game he can, knows practically more than any coach or GM currently in the NBA, and wrote a gigantic ass book called "The Book Of Basketball". But for myself and DME and probably a vast majority of sports fans out there, we don't care about basketball. More people probably care about football, college football, baseball, and college basketball more than they do about the NBA. For TBO and Cubsfan4evr1 (once we get him into Simmons) I'm sure what Simmons' has to say is very interesting and enjoyable. But for myself and I'm millions out there who don't care about basketball, Simmons is actually becoming boring.

And as I briefly alluded to earlier, the other thing Bill Simmons always talks about is Boston. Now I am a HUGE Boston fan. I was born in Boston, my parents were born in Boston and all my family either lives in Boston or was born in Boston. So I have a history in Boston and want Boston to win after my Chi-Town teams. And I even I think Bill Simmons needs to shut the fuck up about Boston, and I've only listened to his podcasts for two months!

Now I think after the basketball and hockey season are over and football and baseball reign supreme, I will enjoy The BS Report again. Now like ESPN, as much as I publicly and privately dislike it, I'll still probably listen to Simmons everyday, but it's still frustrating to me, and right now, I am officially renouncing my Bill Simmons fandom.

For more on me ranting about Simmons, you can listen to my crappy podcast here

Bill Simmons

It's a shame that I have not expressed my love for Jim Rome enough on this blog. Dont worry, that will change soon. But in the past year, Bill Simmons has become my new Jim Rome. I will simply refer to them as 1 and 1a. Anyway, Simmons is a huge boston fan, so you know he has an opinion on bulls-celtics series and he wrote a tremendous piece following the amazing 3OT game 6. This is what makes Simmons different from all other writers. He talks to you as a friend as opposed to a reporter. You feel like you are watching the same game, experiencing the same emotions. So enjoy!

Applying Statistics to Actors

In a recent ESPN.com post, Bill Simmons talks about statistics in relating to the best actors and actresses of all time. Since, as our mission statement says, "Statistics are our science and 'the immeasurable character of men' is the obsolete religion of blind faith" and since we love movies as well, I figure this article would be an interesting, light-hearted read. Here's an excerpt:

If the Oscars were reliable, they would help us create a formula that enabled us to rank actors of all eras. Well, what if we tried anyway? Let's make best actor/actress nods worth seven points and nominations worth three. Then let's make best supporting actor/actress nods worth three and nominations worth one. It's a highly scientific formula I just spent at least 27 seconds devising. And guess what? The Simmons Cinematic System shakes out in an overwhelmingly logical way.

VODM: VALUE OVER DERMOT MULRONEY, NOT VALUE OVER REPLACEMENT PLAYER.

Top 13 actors: Nicholson (38); Spencer Tracy (35); Laurence Olivier (32); Marlon Brando (30); Hoffman, Newman (29); Jack Lemmon (28); Peter O'Toole (24); Gary Cooper, Hanks, Penn (23); De Niro and Pacino (22).

Top 10 actresses: Hepburn (52); Streep (45); Bette Davis (41); Ingrid Bergman (29); Jane Fonda (27); Greer Garson (25); Liz Taylor (23); Jessica Lange, Sissy Spacek (22); Ellen Burstyn (20).

Other moderns of note: Daniel Day-Lewis, Foster and Kate Winslet (18); Robert Duvall (16); Russell Crowe, (13); Sly Stallone (3); Keanu Reeves (0).

Are you happy with those rankings? Me too! I'm a genius! Yeah, Pacino and De Niro should be higher, but they were robbed in '74 and '76, so their stats make sense. Lemmon's number surprises me a little. Same for Fonda. Other than that, I have no major qualms besides a failure to account for iconic performances like De Niro's in Raging Bull (should it be worth 10?), Nicholson's in The Shining (he wasn't even nominated!) and Keanu's in Point Break ("I am an EFF BEE EYE AGENT!").

Now, if you feel like getting your supernerd on, you could figure out Simmons Points on a per-film basis by dividing SPs by movies made (Streep has a sterling 1.13 average), a Hollinger-like AER (actor's efficiency rating, some combination of awards and box office gross that would invariably crown Harrison Ford the greatest ever and drive me crazy) or even VODM (like baseball's value over replacement player, only it would be value over Dermot Mulroney). Just make sure you run all of your calculations through me, because I just bought the URL www.hollywoodprospectus.com.

You can read the whole column here