Sports: A Game Of Inches

We are four humble men who love sports, but hate sports commentary. Peter Gammons is our hero and John Madden is our enemy. If you were to ask us our purpose, our answer would be simple: "We are forever locked in Mortal Kombat for the souls of sports fans everywhere. Statistics are our science and 'the immeasurable character of men' is the obsolete religion of blind faith. Our job is to prove that God doesn't exist and that athletes are merely cold, metal machines with no hearts or souls."

Jim Calhoun is Sick. Oh No! Stop the Presses!

Tonight, Jim Calhoun's #1 seeded UConn is going up against #16 seed Chattanooga. But, unfortunately for the Huskies, their fearless leader is sick and will not coach the team tonight.

Oh No! What ever will UConn do? Robert Flores asked a blogger reporting on Calhoun's status "Will UConn be able to win tonight UConn?" Really!? Did you really need to ask that!? Yes, of course UConn, will win tonight! No matter what! Even if I coached the team tonight UConn will win! No #1 seed have ever lost to #16 ever and it will NEVER happen.

Seriously, ESPN, shut the fuck up about Jim Calhoun. Stop telling us "This is a continuous story that you will be monitoring all day." He probably has the flu or some shit. It's not a big deal. So what UConn won't tell us what Calhoun had. Unless it's like cancer or AIDS or something, nobody cares.

I hate you so much ESPN