Box Score Tonight: Week Eleven/Early Games Edition

Sorry about no BST last week folks. This stupid grad school thing and it's semester ending and finals studying is getting in the way of more important stuff like blogging. Before I begin let me set a rookie record for most completed passed without an interception...

As always we'll start with the Bears. This time we have an excuse because the Bears played Miami on Thursday Night to kick off the football week.
- I know I'm going to have literally ten million games to preview since the bye weeks are over, I'm not going to complain too much about how much non Thanksgiving-TNF games suck balls. Not only are they on a network no one gets but its unfair to all the players. And they suck balls.
- Bears defeat the Dolphins in Miami 16-0.
- I love that the Bears are winning but it scares me that people are getting a false hope that Lovie Smith is a good coach. There was an article in the Chicago Tribune that Lovie might get a contract extension. I really don't want to have to take Lovie out of the "Guaranteed To Get Fired" category and into the "Playoff or Bust" category. He's so bad! The only thing that will change my mind is if he wins the SuperBowl. Seriously Bears fan, don't have short term memory- remember how we felt about this guy last year!?
- I didn't see this game (damn homework) but it looked like this defense was on top of its game with 6 sacks- three from Peppers and one from Urlacher. I don't care what Peppers numbers say, he gets continuing pressure and looks amazing whenever he's on the field.
- I don't know if Cutler was bad or if Miami/the bad wide outs just didn't give him any deep stuff to work with. He only had 156 yards (hell Illinois RB Mikel LeShoure had double that in rushing yards this week) but he completed 64% of his passes and the Bears were 10-18 (56%) on passing third downs
- Matt Forte continus to be (below) average with his efficiency with his 3.9 YPC but he finally converts a goal line stand. I'm happy to see Chester Taylor get 10+ carries but not if he gets a 0.9 YPC to go with it
- Again, I didn't see this game but I've heard good things about Vontae Davis this year. I wish him all the best.
- MY BOY Tyler Thigpen returns! (and TBO likes him as well). But only to get beat up by the best fantasy defense against opposing quarterbacks. His 63.4 passer rating with only slightly below Cutler's (64.8)
- Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams combine for 6 carries for 11 yards! Hooray for a running game! And not one of them threw it.
- Brandon Marshall has a decent game (5/6 for 70 yards). Er, sorry, I mean those #1 Miami receiving numbers belong to Davone Bess. Er, sorry, my bad. I guess I'm only looking at the #1 numbers and assuming it actually belonged to a good WR. Those numbers actually belonged to Brian Hartline. Marshall and Bess combine for 4 catches for 50 yards.
- Marshall leaves this game with an injury
- The hottest team in the NFL is the Buffalo Bills winning two in a row. The Bills crushed the Bengals 49-31
- Ryan Fitzpatrick (who was on my fucking bench. FUCK YOU RYAN FITZPATRICK!) has the game of his life: 316 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INTs, 107 passer rating. Steve Johnson collects three of those TDs and 138 of those yards.
- Just saying: Lee Evans caught 2 passes on 8 targets. WHY DID YOU RUIN FITZPATRICK'S COMPLETION NUMBERS YOU JERK!
- Fred Jackson also has a crazy mo fo day: 116 yards, 5.5 YPC, 2 TDs
- Carson Palmer and his twin brother Jordan combine to be one decently average/ kind of crappy quarterback. I really don't know if Jordan and Carson are related but for some reason Jordan completed all three of his attempts
- Credric Benson has a damn fine day: 124 yards, 5.0 YPC, TD
- Jordan Shipley won the "most Bungels receiving yards" award with 70. T.Ocho caught a TD.
- I may have spoke too soon on the Bills being the hottest team as Dallas rolls over Detriot 35-19 for its second straight win
- Since ESPN likes nicknames for games I dub this one "The Battle Of Crappy Detroit Quarterbacks" Catchy huh?
- Although Jon Kitna has 3 passing TD, a rushing TD, and 129.7 passer rating despite his 147 passing yards.
- Felix Jones has another crappy fantasy day but ran pretty effectively: 4.6 YPC on 11 carries. Much better than Marion Barber's 2.8 YPC on 13 carries.
- Mr. Kim Kardashian catches 2 TD passes (on 2 targets) and Dez Bryant gets one
- Shaun Hill was probably the epitome of average. He also threw it 49 times.
- Nate Burlson was the teams 2nd leading rusher (15) and had their best receiver (97 yards and TD).
- Jahvid Best sucks. Which is probably why the Lions gave the rock to Maurice Morris 10 times. Best got it 3.
- After coming off of a bye, the well rested Washington Redskins defeated the Tennessee Titans in over time 19-16
- Keiland Williams got 23 carries. Portis got 5. I-Can't-Stand-Torrain (He's supa dupa fly) was injured. Williams made the most of his carries with a 3.0 YPC. Portis had a 6.4. McNabb had a 4.0 (one carry).
- Bee Tee Dubs, I like Ryan Torrain. When I say I can't stand him I'm actually making a Missy Elliot reference. Learn your old school hip hop son!
- Santana Moss is pretty good- kind of in that Hines Ward/ Donald Driver category: 6/9, 106 yards, TD
- Vince Young had a lot of dink and dumps (probably, from his really high completion percentage, low YPA, and low yardage). He gets injured and some drunk fan they pulled out of the stands named Rusty Smith (sounds like a guy from Tennessee) finished the game
- Randy Moss blows donkey chunks. He wants a new contract my ass. 0 catches on 3 targets.
- Nate Washington actually seems like he wants to play and does well with Vince Young: 5/9, 117 yards
- CJ finally gets his ass moving again: 21 carries, 130 yards, 6.2 YPC
- The biggest upset of the day: Kansas City wins at Arrowhead. They defeat the Derek Anderson's 31-13. I'm sorry, I retract that, Derek Anderson beats himself. He sucks.
- Derek Anderson continues to be Derek Anderson with his 54.4 completion percentage.
- The Chiefs must have been wearing red since Anderson can't hit the broad side of a barn. He must have been aiming the the Chiefs and missed because Steve Breaston (5 for 92) and Larry Fitzgerald (6 for 90 and a TD) had good fantasy days. Oh wait, both had an under 50% catch rate. I guess the blind squirrel gets the nut eventually.
- Tim Hightower gets 12 carries. Beanie Wells gets 8. Who cares.
- Matt Cassel is still USC's best current pro QB with his 115.5 passer rating and 8.0 YPA
- Jamaal Charles is the most efficient back (7.3 YPC vs. 4.7 YPC) but Thomas Jones is the better fantasy back (2 TDs to none). What the hell KC. What the hell.
- Dwayne Bowe makes an argument that he's the best wide out in the game: 6/8, 109 yards, 2 TDs.
- Green Bay rapes Minnesota and then jizzes in its eye. My sincerest apologies for that extremely vulgar and obscene comment. Packers defeat the Vikings 31-3.
- Aaron Rodgers is very very good (4 TDs). Greg Jennings is very very good (3 TDs). Brett Favre sucks (51.2 passer rating). AD is very good (a very efficient 5.1 YPC but only 14 carries).
- Surprises: Sidney Rice comes back and is the Vikes leading receiver with 56 yards. He also got three receptions on ten targets. Percy Harvin had an awful game: 2/5, 12 yards. James Jones (with Donald Driver active) gets 51 yards and a TD.
- Brandon Jackson reverts to his early season form: 14 carries and 28 yards. This dude named Dimitri Nance gets 37 on 12 carries.
- The Jets love to only play in the last minute out of the 60 that they play. They squeak by with another win defeating the Texans 30-27
- Mark Sanchez is making an attempt to beat at Cassel as USC's best QB. What a sad state of affairs that is. Although he had a great game today: 315 yards, 3 TDs, 1 INT, 1002.2 passer rating and winning the game with 10 second left to play.
- The Texans prove yet again why they're the worst passing defense giving up 126 yards and 2 TDs to Santonio Holmes and 86 yards and a TD to Braylon Edwards. Drops McGee has a 51% catch rate this year (47% last year and 40% the year before). Santonio Holmes has a 54%. I hate to say I told you so. So welcome to Miami.
- I'm extremely impressed if you got that reference.
- LT's stock is on the decline as Shonn Greene's is rising. Grenne gets 15 carries and LT gets 12. They combine for a 2.89 YPC. Yet LT still managed to be my best fantasy RB.
- Matt Schuab isn't half bad. These words should never be uttered because he's such a great talent and we shouldn't have to stoop so low or have any doubt. He had a 92.2 passer rating.
- Arian Foster is making a contention for MVP. Just not in this game. He has an above average day: 22 carries, 84 yards, TD
- Back up TE Joel Dreesen catches all 4 of his targets and gets 106 yards and Schaub's lone TD. Andre Johnson gets 32 yards on 4 cathes (9 targets). What's wrong with that picture?
- DAMN YOU NO BYES! I still have more work to do
- Steelers crush the Raiders 35-3
- Rape-y Ben Roethlisberger is good and Mike Willace is good. Normally so is Rashard Mendenhall but he gets a crappy 59 yards on 23 carries (2.9 YPC). He's still a horse and a TD machine.
- Hines Ward must still be concussed: 3/5 and 28 yards.
- I told you so: Run DMC sucks! 14 yards on 10 carries. I'm vindicated! Michael Bush gets 4 carries (33 yards).
- Johnny Lee Higgins wins the best Oakland WR award this week with 37. I don't know what on Earth possessed Cubsfan to take Bey over Michael Crabtree. Bey didn't even get a target.
- I think Jason Campbell started but his 3 good games a year card expired and Bruce Gradkowski finished the game. You don't need me to tell you their stats: they faced Pittsburgh's defense. You can figure it out.
- Might as well finish what I started. *grumble grumble grumble*
- The Ravens defeated the Panthers 31-13
- Ray Rice continues to under perform on the ground with only a 3.4 YPC but makes up for it in the air: 6/7, 66 yards
- TJ Whose-Your-Mama get the bulk of Flacco's work on 2 catches (2 targets): 79 yards and a TD.
- Anquan Boldin continues to make my prediction look foolish with his 29 yards against the Panthers.
- Back up to the back up Mike Goodson gets 120 yards on 22 carries. Baltimore's rushing D is not the same as it once was.
- David Gettis makes another BST appearance: 2/4, 92 yards, TD
- Jaguars defeat the Browns 24-20
- Colt McCoy is in the running for ROY. He can see the finalists ahead of him but at least he's still in the race
- Who knew it was the vaunted Jacksonville defense that could stop Peyton Hillis. Not Pittsburgh. Not Baltimore. Not New England. Jacksonville. Oh wait I spoke too soon. Hillis had 95 receiving yards and a TD
- MJD finally shows why maybe we consider him a beast among men: 133 rushing yards (5.8 YPC), rushing TD, 3/3 and 87 receiving yards
- Mercedes Lewis continues to be Cris Carter and just catches TDs. He caught his 8th of the year (in 10 games). Mike Thomas also catches one
- Mike Sims Walker was inactive for this game. Although even if he was active the score and stats for everybody would still probably be the same.

Good Lawd. Don't expect me to do more of these long mo fos until after my finals are over.

And we... are.. OUT!

2 comments:

The One DME Accosted said...

Sexy Rexy said:

"I hate to say I told you so. So welcome to Miami."


First sentence: The Hives

Second sentence: Will Smith

Bam.

Sexy Rexy said...

A very good guess, but no. You gotta take the entire thing as a whole.
It's a 30 Rock reference, it's like the last line of the premiere of this season.