Ranking the Woman of ESPN

Men like ESPN. Men like women. Why not make a top ten list of the hottest female personalities on the only cable sports network that matters. The general criteria I used to define hotness involved: appearance, personality, seniority, newsworthiness, and notoriety.

10) Sage Steele

Bloggin' aint easy

Now Sage has always come off as a well mannered, respectable woman who is nothing but professional every morning on ESPN’s “First Take”. She doesn’t really exude sexuality like some of the other woman on this list, but look at her name. You cannot tell me that Sage Steele is not a made up porn name from her younger, wilder days. Doing porn automatically puts you on the hott list. Unfortunately, it also puts you on the filthy filthy whore list. Of course, ESPN has confiscated all the old video footage from the internet so we can never know the whole truth.

9) Dana Jacobson

You cant tell me what to do! You're not my daddy

First off, she’s quite a bit pudgy, but you can still imagine cuddling up with her in bed…after a few drinks of course. But lucky us, Dana doesn’t require much convincing when it comes to downing an Absolut, Stoli, or Grey Goose you happen to throw her way. He infamous “performance” of getting hammered at the ESPN roast, coming up to the stage with a bottle of hard liquor in her hands, and proclaiming “Fuck Touchdown Jesus” was not her shining moment. What is it with fat chicks and alcohol. Hint hint, booze is not a dietary supplement. Luckily it only drew her a suspension and not a dismissal from ESPN. Hey, everyone knows First Take is the ESPN purgatory for all the networks degenerates, whether it be drunks or molesters or simply being Skip Bayless

Honk Honk!

8 ) Linda Cohn

Bill Parcells is my sugar daddy

Linda surely has the seniority on ESPN of any woman on this list. Although not the modern version of hott, Linda still turns the older generation on. She has a confidence and self absurdness to herself, opposite to Dana Jacobson, that only adds to her humor and natural hosting ability. She is also famous for playing hockey goalie in her youth, so she’s used to having things go through her 5-hole. Jewish girl #1, ohhhh yeah

7) Colleen Dominguez

Couldn't make it on telemundo, had to settle for ESPN

Anyone who has watched telemundo for a little too long knows that latina girls are muy caliente, hence it would be a shame to leave the only ESPN representative off the list. If this girl had any personality, notoriety, or longevity she could possibly compete for the top spot based on looks alone. But since I know next to nothing about her, she will have to be happy with 7th place.

6) Bonnie Bernstein

You know you want my 2.5 biblically named children

Jewish girl #2, ohhhh yeah! She has been around ESPN for over a decade covering basketball, football, and baseball most recently. Her long, crooked nose is her trademark feature, to go along with a smoking hot body. There have been rumors that she “spent” a lot of time with athletes over the years. She did gain for continually leaving her legs open while sitting down wearing a skirt.

5) Hannah Storm

Ride 'em cowboy

Hannah has had quite the career. Working for CNN, NBC during the Olympics, and most recently with ESPN. Her confidence is unchallenged and her reputation picture perfect. Always being a sports sex symbol, a la Farrah Fawcett, she has not trouble getting her way and pushing the men at ESPN around. She is the perfect face for the morning Sportcenter edition.

4) Rachel Nichols

Love me or hate me, you still cant %#&! me

By far the most polarizing woman working for ESPN. She may as well be the Michael Vick of female sportscasters. Some people swear by her and would hands down put her number 1 on this list, while others like me, think there is something wrong with her face that simply cannot be overlooked. It simply lacks symmetry. The nose is crooked, the smile is very one sided, and her cheek bones are too high for my liking. Everyone loves a red head, but her’s looks blood red as opposed to the natural variety. The body is nothing to get excited about, but she does have a very distinct reporting style and voice. So love her or hate her you still cant touch her

3) Suzy Kolber

Good enough for Joe Namath, good enough for me

Despite being around ESPN for ages, Suzy became a household name after her infamous interview with a drunk Joe Namath who very openly said “I want to kiss you”. Suzy played it off very nicely, only making herself look more cute in the process. And that is how I would describe her, cute as a button. The voice, the face, the whole package.

2) Michelle Beadle

I literally live next door to EVERYONE

The newest acquisition to the ESPN staff, Michelle Beadle was hired away from the Yankees to co-host with Colin Cowherd on sportsnation. She is the perfect girl next door. The tomboy. The little step-sister you never had, Brady Bunch style. I feel I could go to the beach with her right now and play tackle football without her worrying about breaking a nail or wetting her hair. She’s really one of the guys, yet maintains her womanly charm and sexiness.

1) Erin Andrews – All she requires is a photo montage