Sports: A Game Of Inches

We are four humble men who love sports, but hate sports commentary. Peter Gammons is our hero and John Madden is our enemy. If you were to ask us our purpose, our answer would be simple: "We are forever locked in Mortal Kombat for the souls of sports fans everywhere. Statistics are our science and 'the immeasurable character of men' is the obsolete religion of blind faith. Our job is to prove that God doesn't exist and that athletes are merely cold, metal machines with no hearts or souls."

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Big Fat Bartolo Colon's Mysterious Disappearing Act

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but White Sox starting pitcher Bartolo Colon, the world's fattest man, is missing...again. How the hell do you lose track of a 300+ pound man with a horrible wannabe porn mustache? It's called Google Earth. Look for a giant blob that can't pitch. It's probably Bartolo Colon (or Jeff D’Amico).