FJM: Bill Simmons Edition

Here's some excepts from Simmons podcast on 10.13.09 between him and JackO talking about the 2009 Red Sox v Angels ALDS

BS: I wasn't sold on this Red Sox team from a "heart" standpoint

What about from a "lung" standpoint? How were the Red Sox kidneys this year? I think the need to cut back on the red meat, the Red Sox cholesterol was a bit high. Maybe, that's what was wrong with the Red Sox heart this year

BS: The Angels were hungrier

Maybe the Angels should have ate a Snickers before the game or something

BS: [The 2009 Red Sox team] was the kind of team you would put together in a laboratory with statistics

Stupid fucking Bill James using statistics to determine which players are good or not. How dare anyone put a team together based on statistics! I mean, who needs shit like OBP, SLG, and UZR to measure how your team does. Let's throw out the shit like 70% of the first round is due to pure luck.

JackO: Where they're just like this corporate, soulless, robotic team that just goes about it's business, but has no fire no life, no spirit, no defining characteristics really.

Because you need to have fire to win in the playoffs! That's why the cavemen always did well in the playoffs, all they had was fire! Who needs to plate discipline or a good rotation when you have fire or spirit or a defining characteristic!

JackO: I'm not in the locker room, who knows how much of a difference all of this really makes...

Wait, did JackO just admit that everything him and Simmons were talking about were bullshit?

...but as an outsider viewing it, like, you just would like to see your team with a little, a little, life a little fire...

Oh shit, never mind. Sure let's not use Bill James' "outsider perspective", let's use JackO's.

JackO: Even Victor Martinez with his 27 different handshakes couldn't bring it together

Yeah it wasn't the fact that V-Mart was 2nd among catchers in wOBA that he was good, it was his handshakes. Maybe I should play baseball, I can shake hands!

BS: Yeah, we had Victor Martinez and Pedroia are the two guys that you know seem like they would be pieces on a type of playoff roster that would do something. You look at Youkilis, like every at bat, he's, he looks like he's gonna take a bat to the third base coach and just beat him to death...

Stupid fucking Youk who had an OBP over .400 and 20+ HRs. Fuck that guy. I want Pedroia who can barely hit a 365 foot home run. I want his "intangibles"

We don't have, like, that wacky Orlando Cabrera type, we don't have like Torii Hunter type, you know really passionate fist pump type, we don't have 38 year old veteran like, the Todd Helton type, that guys that's always wanted to make it to the World Series and he's dying, you know, although Todd Helton's made but you know.. the guy that would do anything to make it one time, where are those guys on this Red Sox team?

Did Simmons realize that two of the three players he mentioned have been eliminated? Did Orlando Cabrera's "wackiness" help the Twins gets swept by the Yankees? The Rockies beat the Phillies in the NLCS because of Todd Helton, right?

Jim Thome and Ken Griffey Jr, guys like Helton who "always wanted to make it to a World Series" really helped the White Sox win a World Series last year, right?

JackO: They needed Kevin Millar again, you know, somebody to stir things up...

Yes, the Red Sox needed Kevin Millar with his .311 OBP, .674 OPS, .302 wOBA, and negative UZR is exactly what the Red Sox needed to beat the Angels!

...Like the Yankees have Nick Swisher... a guy to have a little camaraderie, a little chemistry

Wasn't one of the main reason the Sox traded Swisher was because he was pissing people off in the clubhouse? This is the guy who is supposed to build camaraderie?

Oh, and this also helped the 2008 White Sox, right? Because not only did they have the "Todd Helton" guy that Simmons talked about, but they also had Swisher. Do these two guys even check their facts or think before they talk? They're like the Michael Scott of sports podcasts.

Now we realize why the Red Sox lost in the first round of a best of five series. No, it it's not because the Red OSx got unlucky and their best pitchers had so-so games or because of Jonathan Paperlbon, it's because the Red Sox didn't have heart or passion!