Box Score Tonight: Week Eight/Early Games Edition

I'm going to start this thing up as soon as I pop my jaw back into place

Illinois Jerk Off Alert
- Rashard Mendenhall: 15 carries for 71 yards, TD
- Brandon Lloyd: 7/12, 169 yards, 1 TD
- Arrelious Benn: 1/1, 53 yards- shoulda had the TD
- Michael Hoomanawanui: 2/3, 19 yards
- Steve Weatherford: 17 yards on 1 carry- NO FIRST DOWN FOR YOU!

Regular Alert
- No Chicago Bears this week so I'll start in order I see the games on ESPN
- The above average Dolphins defeats the below average Bengals 22-14
- Why is it that every time T.O. has 2+ TDs I have to face him? One touchdown was intercepted, fumbled, and it bounced back into T.O.'s hands. For some reason Carson Palmer gets creditted with that TD as well. How has either Owens or Ochocinco hasn't really said anything yet? Get out a marker or megaphone or tweet SOMETHING!
- Cedric Benson looks like his Chicago self with his 3.5 YPC on 20 carries.
- Carson Palmer (63.0 passer rating) tries to outshit Chad Henne (69.3) but fails. Just like he always does.
- This week Ronnie Brown (61 yards on 16 carries) does better than Ricky Williams (47 yards in 9 carries) but Williams saw a joint in the endzone and had to grab it so he gets the TD run.
- How is Davone Bess (7 for 9) catching more passes than Brandon Marshall (5 for 7)?
- I finally put Brian Hartline in my top 60 wide outs this week and I bet he was top 60 with his 53 yards on 5 receptions
- Jacksonville pulled a Little Big Horn and up ended the Cowboys 35-17. Get it? You never played Cowboys and Jaguars as a little boy?
- Jerry Jones, what the hell are you waiting for and fire Wade Phillips already.
- Jon Kitna did his best Jay Cutler impression: 34/49, 379 yards, 1 TD, 4 INTs
- I'm SO happy I traded away Felix Jones: 22 yards in 8 carries. Barber wasn't much better
- Miles Austin (7/12, 117 yards) and Jason Witten (10/12, 97 yards, TD) go off like Zach Galifianakis's gun in this damn commericla I keep seeing for Due Date. Way to give away every single scene in the movies in your ten trailers studio execs. Way would I see the movie when I can watch the previews on IMDB?
- David Garrard was almost perfect today with his 157.8 passer rating. He completed all of his passes in the first half.
- It took him 27 carries (5 YPC) but MJD finally is himself getting 135 yards.
- Mike Sims-Walker is bi-polar. He'll have like 10 bad games, 3 decent games, and three "I can't believe I benched this mo fo, damn it!" games. This week he had the latter: 8/10, 153 yards, TD
- In 8 games, Mercedes Lewis has 7 TDs. He's the next Visanthe Shiancoe and got two this week.
- Like I predicted, Detroit defeats Washington 37-25
- Calvin Johnson finally was the guy you thought you were getting when you drafted him in the second round: 9/15, 101 yards, 3 TDs. Makes Matthew Stafford look good (and thinned Stafford's face a little as well): 90.2 passer rating, 4/1 TD/INT ratio, 58% completion percentage
- Donkey Kong Suh gets a TD and has 6.5 sacks in 7 games- as a DEFENSIVE TACKLE! He's gotta be the defensive rookie of the year.
- Kevin Smith and Jahvid Best had essentially the same night. Both had 12 carries. Smith had a 4.3 YPC and Best had a 4.0. I think the mere fact that there was a time share is interesting on its own.
- Donovan McNabb was benched for Rex Grossman. On Grossman's first snap, he fumbled and Suh got his TD. Rex Grossman should never be anyone's back up on the off chance he'll play. Mcnabb didn't put up THAT BAD statistical numbers with his 75.7 passer rating (0.2 less than Grossman)
- I can't stand Torain. And apparently neither could Shanahan as he only got 10 yards on 9 carries. (Although he did get Mcnabb's lone TD)
- Keep Anthony Armstrong on your radar. H He's putting up numbers I thought Devin Thomas would (Is Thomas even still on the team?). Armstrong went 3 for 6 and led all Redskins in yards (96).
- Kansas City defeats Buffalo 13-10
- I only saw the game log where both KC and Buffalo kept missing field goals to win it in overtime. Apparently the game was EXTREMELY windy. And according to the few guys I follow on Twitter Bills coach Chan Gailey coached a horrific game- although I wouldn't expect him to do anything less.
- I'm glad I traded for Ryan Fitzpatrick with his 61.4 passer rating and his 50% completion percentage. I'm gonna chalk this one up to the whether because I have a favorable disposition towards Fitzy.
- Fred Jackson is THE guy in Buffalo. He got 20 carries to C.J. Spiller's 6. Neither look all that impressive
- Oh, a Roscoe Parrish sighting as he led all Bills receivers in yards (66). Steve Johnson just KEEPS scoring TDs. He's scored at least one in his past five games.
- As expected Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones have really good games and Charles was the better guy.
- Is Matt Cassel the best QB to come out of USC within the past decade? He is the quintessential "game manager" with his 84.1 passer rating and no INTs this week.
- Dwayne Bowe has scored at least a TD five out of his past six weeks.
- The Rams defeat the Panthers 20-10 at homes
- With DeAngelo Williams out, Jonathan Stewart goes off! And by that I mean he sucks donkey dick. 30 yards on 14 carries. Boy do the Panthers really miss OT Jeff Otah.
- I'm not even going to dignify Matt Moore with a comment about his shitty shitty play
- I continue to like Sam Bradford as a not bad draft choice for the Rams. Only 191 yards but a damn good 112.4 passer rating. He needs to learn to play on the road.
- Steven Jackson pulls a stinker: 59 yards in 23 carries.
- I don't care who catches Sam Bradford's passes, they're all bad. Even Mike H- their TE from Illinois.
- Green Bay decided to pull their heads out of their asses and defeats the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets 9-0.
- Catch percentages: Jerricho Cotchery (31%), Dustin Keller (33%), Santonio Holmes (50%), and Braylon Edwards (25%). That's just fucking AWFUL. And Sanchez still looks good throwing he ball as well but his receivers aren't that good. If only someone has warned you about the bad hands of the Jets receivers.
- For like the quarter or so that I watched, LT looked really really good. But his fantasy and statistical numbers apparently don't reflect what I saw. Wouldn't be the first time.
- If anyone was going to criticize me that Aaron Rodgers was not elite and then he goes out and defeats the Jets- think again. Rogers had a 59.7 passer rating. Brandon Jackson had a 3.7 YPC. I have no idea how the hell Green Bay scored any points at all. Did they just have an awesome punt return three times to put them in field goal range and kicked a FG when the team went 3 and out?
- Does London actually care about American football? I can't imagine considering we always send the worst representatives out there. This week San Fran defeats Denver in Wembley Stadium 24- 16
- OK, one sentence each for the major players in this game: Troy Smith is competent, Frank Gore is a horse, Brandon Lloyd is a beast, Kyle Orton is awesome in fantasy this year but not reality, Michael Crabtree is overrated (this year), Knowshown Morena is pretty bad, and Vernon David is injured. Boom! Nailed it like Stephen Colbert.

Good night and good luck. I think this is going to be my new schtick. Instead of being creative and think of my own way to end BST's (unlike on the GOI podcasts) I think I'm just going to steal other people's famous ending lines.