Box Score Tonight: Week Sixteen/Sunday Afternoon Games

No opening, no nuthin' We'll begin just as soon as I watch an episode of The Tim Tebow Show. I hear this week's episode is good. It should be, it's Sweeps week.

- The Green Bay Packers demolish the New York Giants 45-17 at Lambeau
- To be honest I could care less who won or lost this game. A Giants win meant the Green Bay Fuckheads lose and that's always a good thing. A Packers win makes it just that much easier for the Bears to earn a first round playoff bye.
- Aaron Rodgers comes back from a concussion and proves that he can do all. Most impressive is that I can't remember anytime where a QB threw over 350 yards, nevertheless 400 yards in a win. Especially a blow out win. High passing yard total tends to mean the team was down and needed to throw to attempt to get back in the game. Rodgers' numbers on the day: 404 yards, 66 completion percentage, 4 TDs, 0 INTs, almost perfect passer rating at 139.9. I don't know exactly how you calculate passer rating, but I'm pretty sure Rodgers' numbers should be perfect.
- Brandon Jackson got 18 carries (2.2 YPC). Dmitri Nance gets 9 (3.6 YPC). John Kuhn gets 6 (3.7 YPC) but also gets 2 rushing TDs and a receiving TD. James Starks gets 0.
- Two Green Bay receivers get over 100 yards: Greg Jennings (7/10, 142 yards) and Jordi Nelson (4/7, 124 yards, TD). James Jones gets a TD and TE Donald Lee also gets a TD. The fantasy GOAT of this receiving corps was Donald Driver (3/5, 44 yards).
- Eli Manning goes out and fuels my irrational hatred towards him. I think it's because I hate Giants fans. He throws for 4 interceptions and I'm 98% positive he has the most amount of turnovers in his career in 2010. He ends the day with a 63.6 passer rating.
- Brandon Jacobs gets 8 carries but leads all rushers in this game with 47 yards (5.9 YPC). Ahmad Bradshaw gets 12 carries (2.6 YPC) and 5 receptions for 41 yards. Because this is the 2010 Giants we're talking about, both guys lose a fumble.
- Mario Manningham steps up on Sunday and acts like he's Greg Jennings or Hakeem Nicks or something: 4/6, 132 yards, TD. Speaking of Nicks, he has another good game: 4/9, 93 yards, TD.
- In an upset, the San Diego Chargers- who were still fighting for a playoff birth, not only loses to the Cincinnati Bengals but loses big 34-20. If you're Cincy I honestly don't know why you're still trying to win games considering you're in the Andrew Luck running. Stupid Marvin Lewis trying to show other teams why he's a good coach.
- It turns out the problem with this team was T.O. and Ochocinco. With those guys out, Carson Palmer and the receiving corps have great games. Palmer: 76 completion percentage, 4/0 TD/INT ratio, 157.2 passer rating (0.9 short of being perfect).
- It's a sad state of affairs when I need to click on your name on the ESPN box score to find how what your first name is. Jerome Simpson leads all receivers in this game with 124 yards. He has a great game catching 6 out of his 7 targets and 2 TDs. Bug-eyed Andre Caldwell also has a pretty good game: 4/5, 87 yards. My boy Jordan Shipley catches one of his two targets but it's a three yard TD and TE Jermaine Grisham catches 4/5 for 56 yards and a TD.
- Cedric Benson gets 24 carries but only gets a measly 52 yards (2.2 YPC). Bernard Scott gets 11 carries but is by far more effective as shown by his 4.5 YPC. He also got the only Bengals rushing TD.
- A week after Vincent Jackson actually plays a full game and catches 3 TDs, he falls flat catching 4 out of his 9 targets for only 54 yards and no TDs.
- Phillip Rivers disappointed me because he was in the MVP race for at least the first half of the season. His numbers: 66% completion percentage, 1/1 TD/INT ratio, 82.9 passer rating.
- Mike Tolbert only gets 4 carries (-2 yards) but I think part of that had to do with the fact he was carted off of the field. Ryan Matthews gets 12 carries (4.6 YPC) and a rushing TD. Darren Sproles gets 3 carries for 8 yards but also 8 catches (10 targets) for 55 yards. The Chargers leading receiver today was Legedu Naanee with his 59 yards. I had to click on "Naanee"'s name, but not because I needed to know what his first name was, but how to correctly spell it.
- For some reason I thought the Oakland Raiders would defeat the Indianapolis Colts. I guess it's because I predicted the Colts to miss the playoffs and I'll do everything in my power short of being a ref, or on the coaching staff, or being an actual football player to do it. That means I'll just pick against them in Pigskin Pick 'Em. Colts defeat the Raiders 31-26 and also knock them out of the playoff hunt.
- Peyton Manning continues to throw picks (3/2 TD/INT ratio) and still looks really bad this year but I'll give him lots of credit because he's winning games. Oh wait, no, fuck Peyton Manning and his horse he rode in on. His numbers on the day: 53% completion percentage, 76.9 passer rating.
- Joseph Addai is back baby! All is right in the world and he gets the Colts lone rushing TD. But he is second in carries (12) and yards (45) to the immortal Dominic Rhodes (17 carries for 98 yards- for a great 5.8 YPC). Donald Brown gets 6 carries.
- Tagrets: Tamme (9), Garcon (8), Wayne (5), White (4). Yards: Tamme (78), Wayne (40) Garcon (35), White (20). Tamme, Garcon, and White all catch a Manning TD pass.
- Eight Oakland receivers got at least two catches and they all essentially had the same numbers: 3/6 for 30 yards. TE Zach Miller stands out because he led Oakland in yards (66), targets (12), receptions (9), and TDs (1).
- Darren McFadden has a pretty darn good YPC (4.1) but only gets 11 carries. Michael Bush and Marcel Reese each get 3.
- My boy Jacoby Ford starts off the game with a 99 yard kick return for a TD.
- In a chance to regain glory to the NFC West by actually not having a losing record if they win the division, the Seahawks fall flat on the faces in a pile of horse manure. They lose to the Buccaneers in Tampa Bay 38-15. If the Seahawks win next week they will win the NFC West and only have 7 wins.
- Old Man Matt Hasselbeck gets injured in this game and the great and immortal Charlie Whitehurst leads this team to mediocrity with his 68.3 passer rating.
- Leon Washington only gets one carry but he makes it worth his while by getting a 16 yard TD run and the great and omnipresent C.W. converts the two point conversion. At one point the Seahawks were winning this game because the first score was a Hasselbeck rushing TD.
- For shits and giggles: Marshawn Lynch's numbers on the day: 14 carries for 53 yards (3.8 YPC). Justin Forsett gets 8 carries.
- Bill Simmons' boy Josh Freeman gets 5 touchdown passes and no INTs. He has a 81% completion percentage and for some reason has a worse QB rating than Palmer at 144.2 Stupid under 10.0 YPA. Kellen Winslow and Mike Williams each catch 2 TD passes and M. Stovall catches the 5th one.
- LaGarette Blount runs all over this Seattle D: 18 carries for 164 yards. I honestly don't know how a RB can gain that many yards without scoring a TD. Seriously, was he in a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial or something and sprinklers popped up from the ground and kept tripping him?
- Ah, now time for the main event. The Denver Tebow's defeated the Houston Averages 24-23.
- Tim Tebow's numbers: 55% completion percentage, 308 passing yards, 1/1 TD/INT ratio, 89.4 passer rating, 27 rushing yards on 10 "carries" and a rushing TD. He also "led" the team on two fourth quarter TD drives as the Broncos come into the quarter losing 23-10.
- After being so good in the second half of the season, Knowshown Moreno takes a back to seat to Correll Buckhalter: 11 carries, 42 rushing yards, rushing TD, 3 receptions, 50 receiving, receiving TD.
- Illinios Jerk Off Alert- Brandon Lloyd: 5/9, 111 yards.
- I really don't care about Houston and I'm tired so I'm going to do what I did for the Patriots and just combine everybody in one giant sentence.
- Arian Foster: 19 carries for 91 yards and a TD Jacoby Jones actually acts like the preseason sleeper that people thought he would be and steps up with stupid freaking Andre Johnson inactive: 5/7, 115 yards Owen Daniels gets 14 targets but only catches 8 of them and luckily one of them was Schaub's lone TD pass speaking of Schaub his numbers on the day: 70% completion percentage, 310 yards, 1/1 TD/INT ratio, 96.8 passer rating

FIN!

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn