I Hate Jeff Passan Too (Part II)

So last night I was too frustrated and had limited time to insult Jeff Passan's list of free agents. But now that I have more time on my hands at the moment, here I go again:


79) Nick Punto, UT: SIGNED The high-energy guy who steals bases and plays stellar defense is staying in Minnesota after agreeing to a two-year contract worth $8.5 million

He can do two skills that aren't really that important to a baseball player but are nice complementary skills to a good player. But we forgot about the whole "complementary" part and give him way more more than he's worth

95) Brad Wilkerson, 1B/OF: Hit 30 home runs and walked 100 times only four years ago, so someone is bound to take a flyer.

He did something sometime ago somewhere. Um.. I think he plays baseball too.

100) Curt Schilling, SP: Oh, what the hell.

A guy who's still proven he's a darn good player at his old age but had an injury last year. When healthy, and he is, can be a DAMN good player in your rotation. But I don't really care about things like stats and how a guy plays or anything.


109) Craig Counsell, UT: Is he Punch or Judy?

What does this even mean? I think it should be illegal to be retarded AND on drugs AND write things that people believe as legitimate


114) Daryle Ward, 1B/OF: After two standout pinch-hitting seasons, regressed to a .216 average last year.

After two season where he did well I'm going to point out a random meaningless statistic to prove he's bad in his third season

119) Bob Howry, RP: SIGNED The Giants bolster their bullpen, signing the 35-year old to a one-year, $2.75 million deal

The Giants bolster their bullpen by signing a guy I clearly think is crap because I put him so low.

120) Doug Mientkiewicz, 1B: Showed tremendous plate discipline with 44 walks to 28 strikeouts, even if all his power is sapped

Bad Jeff Passan! Bad! No! Go treats for you! Doug Meintekghytlkgwzzcsks sucks.


125) Julian Tavarez, RP: Hey, he’s always up for throwing at batters, if nothing else.

Um.. he wants to play baseball. Hey, so do I! I guess I'm on this free agent tracker thing too!

Let's take a moment to look at this:
87) Trever Miller, RP: SIGNED The left-handed specialist got a $500,000, one-year deal from the Cardinal
128) Casey Fossum, RP: He could be an effective lefty specialist (.674 OPS vs. .920 against righties)

Both guys, according to Passan's logic, are good against lefties. That's it. Yet, there's a 41 ranking gap in between them? Good job buddy. Good job.

OK, back to the list!

142) Mike Timlin, RP: Wait. He’s really not Bob Howry’s twin?

OMG, an intentional joke by Passan!

161) Scott Podsednik, OF: Gone is his speed on the basepaths and range in center field. Which renders him … a minor leaguer.

Gone, or rather never there, was his ability to get on base and hit for power. Any power. Ever.

Everyone past 161 should read, and granted essentially does, "He sucks but he's a free agent so I'm obligated to put him on this list on every single available free agent"

I hate Jeff Passan so freaking much!