Let's take a look at his reasoning behind why free agents are good
13) Bobby Abreu, OF: Six straight 100-RBI seasons is impressive, but the disappearing walk total last year is a little disconcerting.
So basically, he was good because he played for the Yankees and was able to bat in a line up full of All-Stars so, if you get Abreu on your team, I guess he'll suck. Of course, Abreu was AWFUL because of his disappearing walk total and didn't do anything else
15) Oliver Perez, SP: The grand mystery of the Class of ‘09: Is he the guy who thoroughly dominates one start, or the one who looks Triple-A bound the next?
Will he pitch well or won't he? I don't know but I sure love this analysis.
21) Jon Garland, SP: The archetype is-what-he-is pitcher – gives up lots of hits, strikes out no one but logs a guaranteed 200 decent innings.
A guy who sucks but stays healthy while he sucks
25) Joe Crede, 3B: A little high for someone with chronic back issues, but he’s only 30 and plays Gold Glove-caliber defense when healthy.
A guy who can play well when healthy but he is not healthy so he can't play well. But because he played well once before when he was healthy, he's a good player
32) Garret Anderson, OF: He still will hit .300 with 15 home runs, not take any walks and look like Grandpa Abe Simpson when he’s running.
Yes! A guy who can't walk and with no power! This is just what my teams needs!
39) Mark Grudzielanek, 2B: High batting average and above-average fielding make up for Grudzielanek’s lack of power and patience.
The two fundamentals that make a great player: the ability to be discipline at the plate and to hit for power. I'm pretty sure absolutely nothing makes up for a player who can't hit and can't walk.
Let's take a break for a second. At least Jeff Passan has gone this far without making any reference to our favorite player David Eckstein.
47) Paul Byrd, SP: The pitcher equivalent to David Eckstein – and 26 spots higher than Eckstein because pitching scrappiness yields league-average performance.
Oh shit. Nevermind.
48) Ray Durham, 2B: Can’t run much and is slow in the field, too, but high on-base percentage and doubles power make him a nice one-year fill-in.
He can walk and hit for some power. Fuck this guy sucks
54) Juan Uribe, 2B/SS/3B: Ability to play three positions and hit home runs – well, from 2004-07, at least – makes him worth the risk
You're right, his defense, and not the fact that he's one of the worst offensive players of all time, make him worth maybe someone picking him up
59) Mark Kotsay, 1B/OF: He doesn’t cover much ground in center field and doesn’t hit enough to play first regularly. Nonetheless, good-guy reputation will help him land a solid gig.
He's a terrible player but he's really really nice but let's give him a million dollars or two
65) Will Ohman, RP: Workhorse’s 83 games pitched ranked second in baseball in 2008.
He can pitch.... and well.. um.. he's a pitcher.. and um.. he can throw a ball
67) David Weathers, RP: Still an effective right-handed reliever – and a rare one that gets out lefties, who had a .635 OPS against him in 2008.
He's a guy that can get out both righties AND lefties (so basically EVERYONE). Let's drop him to #67.
71) Kevin Millar, 1B: Pulled off the rare 20-homer, sub-.400 slugging percentage season, achieved this decade by such luminaries as Richie Sexson, Tony Batista and Uribe.
If Jeff Passan really just running out of free agents at this point?
73) David Eckstein, SS/2B: Shopping himself as a second baseman, so he can look like only a half-wimp on his throws to first base.
So basically David Eckstein just sucks? Why can't you say that? Why can't you say he sucks? But apparently his pitching counterpart is good?
74) Mark Prior, SP: Hey, Wood stayed healthy for an entire year
A former teammate did something so maybe Mark Prior can do something as well
Ok, well, Jeff Passan has officially pissed me off too much that I'm not even going to bother making fun of 75 to.. 183! Holy shit! If he's pulling off this shit analysis at 74 I can't imagine him doing another 109 players. Fuck you Jeff Passan. Fuck you.
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2 comments:
to the phrase
"Paul Byrd: The pitcher equivalent to David Eckstein – and 26 spots higher than Eckstein because pitching scrappiness yields league-average performance."
I simply point to this FJM post:
http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2007/03/hey-i-like-fat-guys-too-but-this-is.html
Let me try to communicate what he SHOULD have said under each ranking
13) Bobby Abreu, OF: His walk rate was down in 2008, but as long as that is merely a statistical aberration from his mean production, he should be fine in 2009. Despite his age, he still hits a ton of XBH's which is great and why he is ranked top 15, despite being 103 years old.
15) Oliver Perez, SP: He's got great potential but little discipline. If he can work on his mechanics he can be more than Daniel Cabrera lite.
21) Jon Garland, SP: I overrated him because I don't understand baseball. Sure, he's a solid SP5, but I don't understand concepts such as VORP. Instead, I look at grindiness and at 200+ IP a season, Garland is a grinder. TOP 25!
25) Joe Crede, 3B: He's a lot like Eric Chavez, only without the power zap. If he can stay off the DL, he can be a high reward signing.
32) Garret Anderson, OF: Hits for average and has decent power but can't play defense or walk. Basically, he's a bad DH (real ranking: 138)
39) Mark Grudzielanek, 2B: Sorry folks, this is a typo. This ranking should read 139.
47) Paul Byrd, SP: He's a lot like Jon Garland, but grinds less, so I'm doubling his ranking number.
48) Ray Durham, 2B: He walks and hits doubles and plays above average defense. Maybe 48 is too low. Oh well, im too lazy to erase numbers
54) Juan Uribe, 2B/SS/3B: He's a utility player.
59) Mark Kotsay, 1B/OF: Nice guys don't finish last. They finish 59th.
65) Will Ohman, RP: The best AAAA reliever in baseball
67) David Weathers, RP: Strong ability to limit good contact against his pitches makes him valuable, but he's also old and has an inconsistent career.
71) Kevin Millar, 1B: Just like Ritchie Sexon in 2007, he hit 20+ HRs and slugged under 400. He's bound to bounce back...just like Sexon did in 2008!
73) David Eckstein, SS/2B: The Ultimate Grinder.
74) Mark Prior, SP: Dusty Baker fucked his arm up, but if he can ever regain form in a limited role, an incentive laden contract could be a low risk/high reward dealie.
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