Jon H.

Jon Heyman's says the darndest things. Let me quote you this gem-of-an-analysis about the "#2 player" on the market, Bobby Abreu (who, by the way, at the declining age of 35 is not nearly as good of a prospective signing as the in-his-prime-at-the-age-of-29-and-hitting-40-home-runs-a-season Adam Dunn -- especially since they both have comparably terrible defense in the outfield at the corners).

He is one of three players in history with a .400 on-base percentage, 300 steals and 200 home runs (Barry Bonds and Rickey Henderson are the others) and one of three with 100 RBIs in each of the last three years Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols are the others),

Bobby Abreu is also at least twice as old as each of those other two players and his three-year peripheral trends clearly show that his offensive and defensive skills are quickly on the decline. But hey, who gives a fuck. Let's give him $48 million over 3 years because he batted behind Johnny Damon and Derek Jeter for the last 3 years.

yet for some reason Raul Ibanez, whose numbers aren't even in Abreu's ballpark, was the more popular pick this winter.

Two bad signings clearly cancel each other out in the name of fiscal fairness. However, it's the next bit of analysis by Heyman that I really love and sparked me to write this mini-rant:

Ibanez signed for $31.5 million over three years with Abreu's former Phillies team, but Abreu would do well to get $20 million for two right now. Ibanez scored points for his deserved rep as a great guy and a clubhouse leader, but Abreu certainly isn't a negative influence in any way. The two perceived knocks on him are minor (that he's interested in stats and fears the wall) and shouldn't preclude anyone from signing him.

So, in other words, Bobby Abreu's two flaws -- which are precluding him from signing a big contract -- are:
1) he doesn't like getting injured (and isn't Aaron Rowand) and
2) he likes to statistically perform well in a game of statistics?

It's not the declining trends in UZR/150, BB/9, HR/AB or even the fact that he's thirty-fucking-five. It's because he hates being injured and focuses his performance on the statically relevant parts of the game. Ughhhhhh.

My brain hurts.